In Death's Shadow
by Mizagium
Summary: Bored of his life as a Shinigami, Ryuk drops his Death Note in the human world, where it is picked up by the Third Child, Shinji Ikari. He vows never to use it, but Ryuk haunts him anyway, like a shadow. Eventually, everybody succumbs to the allure. The Angel War escalates in Tokyo-3 and Shinji's mental state become more unstable. The only question is: who will be the first victim.
1. Imaginary Friend

**In Death's Shadow**

**Chapter One**

**Imaginary Friend  
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* * *

><p>"Every day is the same thing over and over…" Ryuk muttered to himself, taking in the entirety of the unimpressive bareness that was his home. He waited, solitary, counting the minutes by in his head, a vigil uninterrupted for five days. Lazy Shinigami were strewn about from one wall to the other; the entire realm seemed to be situated within a deep cavern, the only exit from which was the portal to the human world. Two other Shinigami lounged over to one side, gambling away their life on bones.<p>

"Two sideways skulls," the one with the scythe proclaimed. "I win again." His opponent, the one with the cattle skull for a head, waved it off with a grunt. He still had plenty of years left to gamble, though he was a poor gambler. It was mostly a way to pass the time.

Ryuk rose slowly, like a machine that hadn't been oiled in a long time. "Time to go check it out," he announced to no one in particular.

Deridovely, the Shinigami with the scythe, heard him speak. "Huh? Where ya going, Ryuk?" He seemed genuinely curious about a Shinigami going someplace; he hadn't actually moved from the gambling area with Gukku in days.

"Yeah," Gukku agreed. "The Shinigami World is barren no matter where you go!"

While such a reminder might have worked on another Shinigami, Ryuk shrugged it off. "I lost my Death Note."

"What? How clumsy can you get? Wait a minute," Gukku remembered. "Didn't you manage to trick the Shinigami king into giving you a new one? Did you lose both?" But Ryuk didn't answer, so Deridovely tried.

"Do you remember where you dropped it?"

"The human world," Ryuk replied with a toothy grin.

* * *

><p>"Ikari."<p>

Shinji turned at Rei's voice. Even through the cacophony of students leaving school, he could always make out her low, strained voice. "Oh, uh, hi Rei." A smile tried its best to form on his face, but chickened out halfway, leaving him with an awkward half-smile that he quickly dropped. Rei remained her usual impassive self.

"You dropped this." She thrust a black notebook at him. It wasn't his.

"That's not mine, Rei."

"It must be," she insisted. "I saw it fall beside you. You dropped it and now I am returning it to you. This is what friends do." Ever since the defeat of Ramiel, the two of them had both attempted to become friendlier. Attempted. So far, they had only succeeded in making things slightly less awkward when they spoke. At least now he was comfortable in her presence; and she seemed fine in his.

He hesitated. "Thank you, but it really isn't mine. Maybe it belongs to somebody else. I dunno, maybe it fell from higher up?" That was unlikely. The tallest object around was a tree; there was no way a notebook could just fall from the second floor or roof and land right behind him and Rei not realize this.

Rei's eyes narrowed just so, suspicious. He took the book anyway. "I'll keep it until we find the proper owner, ok, Rei?" Rei held on a moment longer before relaxing her grip.

"Yes. That would be best."

She was still uncomfortable. "Should we walk to base together?"

A rare Rei smile. "Yes. I would like that."

* * *

><p>"Death…Note?" It was evening in Tokyo-3, and Shinji was home alone with Pen-Pen while Misato worked late at NERV again. The two of them shared a home-cooked meal courtesy of Shinji while they contemplated the notebook. "Like…a notebook of death?"<p>

"Wark?"

"I don't know, Pen-Pen. Maybe connected to shinigami legends?" That's when it occurred to him. "Why is it written in English?" Opening the cover revealed a set of instructions also written in English. "The...human…whose name is written…shall die…gah, I can't read all of this. But I guess if I write someone's name in this notebook, they're supposed to die. Something about their face…maybe to prevent similar names from intereacting?" He puzzled through the rest of the rules. "Forty seconds…cause of death. If not, heart attack. Details in six and a half minutes…wow, this is really detailed. Think it could be a prank?"

"Wark?"

"Too elaborate. I don't like it. I should get rid of this thing; it feels like bad luck holding it." Underneath his mattress would be a decent place to hide this from Misato, at least until he figured out what to do with it. There was no way he could tell Toji or Kensuke about this. But Rei…she was the one who found it originally. But she gave it to him, likely without knowing what it even was.

No, this was his little secret for now.

The front door slid open with a snick, followed by an exuberant "I'm home!" from his guardian, Misato Katsuragi.

"Welcome home! I made dinner."

"You're awful cheery today," she feigned suspicion. "Did you break something, or are you trying to schmooze me?" A fresh beer appeared in her hand, open and half drained.

"I just had a good day." It wasn't a complete lie.

* * *

><p>Ryuk let the thermals carry him in a gentle downward spiral, taking in all of the human city of Tokyo-3. Human history wasn't exactly something he was interested in. Sure, he spied on them every now and then, casually choosing which mortal would be sacrificed in order for him to continue living eternally, but there was just so much of the planet crawling with the hairless apes that he gave up on following politics millennia ago.<p>

All he knew from asking Armonia Justin Beyondormason was that a decade and a half ago, the planet was devastated by a massive explosion at the southern geographic pole. Half of humanity was wiped out and they've spent the rest of the years rebuilding. Somehow it shifted the tilt of the planet, giving Japan nearly year-round summers, which was a drastic difference from the shinigami world, much to Ryuk's enjoyment.

If only he'd had his stoke of brilliance during the wars that followed Second Impact, as the humans were calling the event. If he had devised this plan then, oh, imagine the fun he could have had. At least he was in a city that experienced some action on a regular basis. Justin the Jewel Skeleton had confirmed that three giant monsters had attacked Tokyo-3 in the last month or so, and the humans had countered with giant robots.

Interesting seemed an understatement.

Something large and blue caught his eye, and he decided to investigate. Perched on a telephone line, the scene made little sense. The blue mass looked vaguely metallic, but seemed to absorb light, instead of reflecting it. It must have been huge. Probably 90% of it had already been hauled away, which still left a building sized structure, surrounded by several blocks worth of deconstruction crews.

"What a monster," Ryuk muttered before taking off again.

After a few more hours of aimlessly gliding about, Ryuk finally zeroed in on the source of the Death Note's power: a nondescript apartment complex near the edge of the city's center. He swooped down and passed through the exterior to a plain-looking room. The bed was neatly made; the desk only had a few books and papers on it. No seemed to have disturbed the solitude. It reminded him of the Shinigami realm.

He took the air once more and circled the apartment until the owner came home, a vulture waiting for the dying animal to breathe its last.

* * *

><p>Shinji skipped dinner and went straight to bed that night. It had been a stressful day. No angels and descended upon Tokyo-3 today. No, it was something else this time, something man-made. Jet Alone, the prototype for a nuclear-powered giant robot intended to replace the Evangelions. Jet Alone had been autonomous, while the Evas were piloted. In theory, an unmanned craft was better since it both eliminated human error and did not endanger a teenager pilot.<p>

In theory.

Jet Alone's core malfunctioned and the thing went haywire, charging headlong towards a heavily populated area while the nuclear core quickly overheated. Only Misato's infiltration of the hulking machine had saved the day just in time. Things looked good for NERV and bad for Japan Heavy Chemical Industries. But Misato was silent on the ride home. Brooding. "Something wasn't right about that," she confessed to him. "I didn't do anything."

Admittedly it was too close for comfort, and the timing of the reactor shutdown was near perfect…was Misato thinking sabotage? Would NERV do that? Shinji banished the image of his father by turning onto his side and hiding his head beneath a pillow. Gendo Ikari was certainly not above sabotage.

"Well, how are you enjoying it?"

Upon the windowsill, right above his bed, a monstrous creature with a pale, leathery face and bulging puppet eyes waited. Too many teeth were crammed into an overlarge mouth seemingly stuck in a perpetual Glasgow smile. The face itself appeared to be a mask sewn on to the body of the creature, or perhaps overtop of another face.

Shinji screamed.

"Shinji! Are you alright?" The door slid open and Misato appeared in the doorway, more like a protective older sister than a mother, no matter how hard she tried. "What happened? What's wrong?"

How could she not see the monster? It was right there! Logic rapidly overrode fear in Shinji's mind, no that he was aware of not being dead. Quite clearly whatever he was seeing was both invisible and inaudible to her, since it kept asking "Who's that?" in his ear over and over.

He screwed up his face into an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I guess I must have dozed off and had a nightmare or something. Maybe I'm still shaken up over the whole Jet Alone incident."

Relief flooded Misato's face. "Is that all?" Then, "Shaken up over what? It's not like it was an Angel or anything."

"I know, but I thought…you might have been killed inside Jet Alone." He flushed red and turned away. "It's dumb. Sorry." He wasn't acting anymore.

Crouching down to his level, she ruffled his hair gently. "No, it's not dumb to be worried about me. I worry about you, Shinji. Every time you get into the Eva, I'm afraid I might lose you. You're not my kid or anything, but I do take care of you – I'm supposed to at least. So I definitely feel that worry whenever an Angel appears." After a pause she added, "And that's not just because it's my duty."

In truth, he felt a lot better now and he would have smiled, were he not staring directly into the hideous face of the invisible monster. "I _know_ you can see me," the monster said. "But CAN YOU HEAR ME? I AM SHINIGAMI RYUK, A GOD OF DEATH. DON'T YOU IGNORE E. I DON'T LIKE IT. Hm, did I give the note to a deaf kid?"

He must have shown any relief on his face because Misato then asked, "Do you want me to make you some dinner?"

Stomach juices curdled at the memory of her microwaveable catastrophes. "Ah, no, no, that's alright. I'll make something in a little bit."

"Alright. I'll leave you be for now. I have some paperwork to do anyway." Still, she seemed unconvinced by his happy act, but she left him anyway.

"She's gone now," the monster observed. "Can we talk now?"

Swallowing his fear and ignoring every instinct to run screaming out of the apartment, Shinji whispered. "What are you?" If the monster wanted to eat him, he would have done so already.

"Hehehe, I am a Shinigami. Do you know what that means?"

"A god of death. A being that takes the souls of the living to the afterlife."

"Very good, although not 100% correct. My name is Ryuk, Shinji Ikari, and I thank you for picking up my Death Note."

"How…how do you know my name?"

"Hehehe, all Shinigami can see the name and lifespan of any mortal just by looking at them. I'm not allowed to tell you how long you have left to live, but just know that _I_ know _exactly_ how much time you have left."

If he was trying to unsettle Shinji, it was working. "Why couldn't Misato see or hear you?"

"Because she hasn't touched my Death Note. Any mortal that touches a Death Note can see and hear Shinigami, but only them. Which is why I'm here: you have the Death Note, yes?"

Shinji nodded, still tense, and retrieved it from under the mattress.

"Have you tried it out yet?" Ryuk disappointedly found the notebook blank. In his experience, most humans wrote at least one name down before they lost their nerve.

"No."

"Too afraid it might actually work?"

A barely perceptible nod.

"Yeah, a lot of humans are like that." The Shinigami sighed. "And here I thought I would find someone interesting in the human world…why'd I have to give it to a worthless kid like this?" Barely out of the gate, and already his plan was tripping over itself. "Tell ya what kid, if you don't want it anymore, I can take it back and erase all your memories of ever having the Death Note. You won't remember it or me. Whatdya say?" It wasn't too late to salvage the plan.

"R-Really?" He couldn't believe it, was it that easy?

"Of course. We can't have humans running around with knowledge of the Shinigami. It would upset the balance of the worlds or something apocalyptic like that. I dunno, they're the Shinigami King's rules and we have to obey them or else." There was no need to explain 'or else'. "So? Want me to take it back?"

"Yes. Please." He held out the black notebook to the Shinigami.

"Excellent. Now I can give it to someone else, someone more interesting – someone who might actually use the Note." Right as he was about to take the book, Shinji jerked it back.

"Wait. You'll give it to someone else? Someone who might actually…write names in it?"

"Grr. Yes. Someone other than you might actually use the Death Note to kill people." The smile faltered slightly. "You're a boring person. Are you returning it or not?"

"What happens if I keep it?"

Ryuk exhaled heavily. "Then it's yours to do with as you please. Use it or don't. Burn it, bury it, dance around with it, whatever. But all the while, I have to stay with you until you die or return the notebook – whichever comes first." He tilted his head. "Does this mean you're keeping it?"

"Only…only so that someone else doesn't kill people with it."

"Even if it means me following you around all the time?"

A long pause. "Yes."

"Hehehe. Very well. You'll use it eventually. They all do. Hehehe."

Shinji returned the Death Note to its hiding place, deciding he would have to find a better spot later. Ryuk made himself comfortable on the bed. "Well, since we'll be hanging around each other for a while, I might as well make sure you're clear on the rules, kid." He took the silence as assent. "Obviously, anyone's name that's written in the book will die of a heart attack in forty seconds. You have to know the face, or else it won't work. You can write the cause of death within those forty seconds and then exact details within another six minutes. Got that?"

"Yeah, I understand. I read through the rules already. How come you wrote them in English and not Japanese?"

"I thought English was the most popular language – and I was right. You, at least, could read it. I didn't exactly pay attention to where I dropped it."

"Oh."

"Pah. This is going to be boring."

* * *

><p>Ryuk hovered around Shinji as he made dinner, asking questions left and right. What kind of food is he making? What ingredients? What's this? What's that? Why won't you talk to me? When Misato and Pen-Pen joined them, Ryuk switched from hovering around Shinji, to hovering around Misato…studying her. After he became bored, Pen-Pen became the object of his interest for the remainder of the evening.<p>

Shinji was asleep when Ryuk finally returned. He sat around the room for a few hours before leaving again to explore the rest of the apartment. Two hours later, he was bored again, so he decided to position himself in such a way that his face would be the first thing Shinji saw upon waking. That kid was so jumpy. He waited for what seemed like forever, but it was worth it.

Eventually Shinji became accustomed to Ryuk's presence over the next few days. The Shinigami followed the pilot around to school and did his best to either scare him or make him laugh. He hid around corners, phased through his desk, stole his clothes during gym, and even resorted to suddenly shouting loudly during class. When it became clear that wasn't going to work, he went to the front of the class and proceeded to make faces at him, the teacher, and the students. He mimicked the teacher, pretended to teach the class, but eventually gave up and just sort of floated over his shoulder.

"Why do you do that?" Shinji asked him one day.

"Do what?"

"Try and make me laugh – or scare me? Don't Shinigami have better things to do?"

"You'd think so, kid, but no. Life in the Shinigami Realm is boring. All we do is sleep or gamble away years of our life. If you write a few human names in the note to extend your life, the others laugh at your for working so hard. Killing humans from the Shinigami world is boring, and writing Shinigami names doesn't do anything." He sighed. "So I figured I would have some fun here in the human world."

Shinji mulled this over. "So…you were bored? That's the only reason?"

"Hehe, pretty much."

Shinji frowned but said nothing.

* * *

><p>Ryuk even followed him to synchronization test, although Shinji was apprehensive about it. Was it alright to let a god of death free in such a secret military installation? Probably not, but then neither was having two fourteen year-olds pilot giant robots. To his credit, Ryuk stayed near Shinji most of the time. He answered what questions he could about the Evas, NERV, the Angels, Second Impact.<p>

"An Angel in the South Pole?"

"Yeah, Misato only just told me about it recently. Most of the world thinks it was a meteor impact, but that's just a cover-up."

"Hehehe, even Justin didn't know about Adam," Ryuk chuckled.

"Who's Justin?"

"Armonia Justin Beyondormason. Justin the Jewel Skelton. Another Shinigami. He's the expert on Death Notes and the Shinigami King's right hand man. A bit conceited and he likes his rules. He's the one who briefed me on the status of the human world before I arrived."

"Do all Shinigami have strange names?"

Ryuk tilted his head back and forth. "Yes and no. A lot of us choose our names. Some of us are simple, like me and Rem and Sidoh. But then there's those like Justin and Kinddara Guivelostain who have to be fancy."

"The Shinigami Realm is different than I would have thought," Shinji said later.

"Is that so? What did you expect?"

"I don't know, but not what you described."

"Well, the human world isn't what I imagined either. Giant machines fighting giant monsters; it's pretty interesting – or it would be if only you were more interesting."

Shinji grumbled but before he could respond, Rei rounded the corner. "Oh, hey, Rei."

"Hello, Ikari. Who are you talking to?"

"Huh, uh, nobody." _Oh no, how much did she hear?_

"Nobody," she repeated, as though she tasting the word to make sure it was right. "Yes. Nobody." Did her eyes flick to the upper right, where Ryuk hovered? No, they couldn't have. "Tomorrow the Second Child will arrive as will Evangelion Unit 02." That passed as casual conversation for Rei.

"Oh, that's right. Misato is taking us along for the handover. We're going to tour the Pacific Fleet's _Over the Rainbow_. Are you coming with us?" Toji and Kensuke and even Pen-Pen were going.

"No," she said uncertainly. "I have…I am busy. Major Katsuragi already knows; I thought you were aware as well. I thank you for the invitation, but I must be going. Good day, Ikari."

"Maybe this Second Child will be friendlier to you," Ryuk said.

Shinji waited until Rei was out of earshot. "Rei is friendly. She's just…quiet."

"Awkward." Ryuk substituted. "But it's none of my business."

It wasn't until much later that night that Ryuk realized something about what Rei had said: "Who are you talking to?" not "Who were you talking to?" He puzzled over that for a bit before getting bored and setting himself up to scare Shinji upon waking again.

* * *

><p>Ryuk didn't pay that much attention to anything onboard the <em>Over the Rainbow<em>. Standing on the boat made him feel sick (he didn't even know Shinigami could get motion sickness), so he flew around most of the time. The Second Child – Asuka Langley Soryu – he liked her. She was fiery, judgmental, and German and he wished she had been the one to pick up his Death Note instead of Shinji.

She was pretty quick to show off her Eva, which, for Ryuk, was the first one he got to see up close. Shinji's Eva was always closed off and partially submerged. When they practiced, it was in simulators. This one, though, was bright red, which made Ryuk grin even wider. He liked red.

Suddenly alarms were going off. Something was out in the water, an Angel a crewman said.

Ryuk was intrigued. He followed Shinji and Asuka while they changed into equally bright red, Plug Suits and would have also followed them into the Entry Plug had it not looked crowed already. Also he wasn't sure if he could breathe in the LCL. So, he gripped the right shoulder pylon tightly and rode the Evangelion into battle with the Angel.

He loved every minute of it.

* * *

><p>"I'd say that was <em>very<em> interesting," Ryuk wheezed once he was sure Shinji would respond. "I can't stop laughing whenever I think about it. Life as a Shinigami is so mind numbingly dull – that was the most excitement I've ever had; at least since ancient Babylon."

"Well, I'm glad you had fun," Shinji snapped uncharacteristically.

"What? Are you still upset about looking like a girl in the Plug Suit? I thought was pretty funny."

Shinji reddened at the memory. Ryuk continued to talk as the boy lay in bed.

"But still, I thought Angels were supposed to look kind of like me" he spread his wings "but more like humans and with nicer clothes." He stood there for a bit, studying himself. Shinji recalled seeing an old version of _The Wizard of Oz_, and thought Ryuk looked like one of the flying monkeys. Whatever the Shinigami saw in himself, he wasn't sharing.

"Have you ever seen a real angel?" Shinji ventured. "Like, the nice ones with wings and stuff."

"Hehehe, it's been a long time since anyone asked me that. Gods of death and messengers of Heaven don't usually cross paths much. Not anymore." It wasn't much of an answer, but that was all the human was going to get.

Shinji rolled over. "I'm going to sleep early, Ryuk. I still have to go to school in the morning."

Still overjoyed at the day's excitement, Ryuk didn't even both to scare him in the morning.

He was even more excited when Asuka appeared as a new classmate of Shinji's.

And then Misato revealed after school that Asuka was to be Shinji's new roommate.

Ryuk was so excited, he flew laps around the apartment.

* * *

><p>"I don't want to talk about it," Shinji insisted later that night. The memory of the battle on the sea was one wasn't likely to live down. Toji and Kensuke certainly didn't let him on the VTOL ride back. Even Misato poked fun at him, but remarked how he and Asuka both broke their Synchronization ratios.<p>

"Aww, you're no fun."

If he didn't act fast, Ryuk would start taunting him as well. "Ryuk, I've been thinking about this since the ride back, but, can you see the Angel's names and lifespans?"

"Huh? Whatdya mean?"

"You said that you can see the names and remaining life spans of humans, right?"

"Yeah?"

"So, can you do that for the Angels?"

"Hehehe, you know I've never tried. That last one was underwater most of the time, and you guys moved around so much that I didn't really get a good look." Ryuk recalled the battle, but couldn't remember if he'd seem the Angel's name or not. Maybe he had. But then, could he even? "Why? What are you thinking, Shinji?"

For some reason, Shinji became embarrassed. "N-Nothing. I was just…thinking that, maybe if I had the name of the Angel, I could…"

"You could write it in the Death Note," Ryuk finished.

Shinji nodded.

"Hehehe, it's a good idea. Next time one shows up, I'll have a look. Or…you could?" Now seemed like a good time to mention the deal.

Shinji was suspicious instantly. "What do you mean?"

"I can give you the Eyes of the Shinigami – trade them, actually. You would be able to see anyone's name and remaining life just by looking at their face."

"You said trade. What's the catch?"

"Half of your remaining lifespan."

"Pass."

"Think it over. It might come in handy if you're ever in a real bind."

"I told you, Ryuk. I'm not going to use the Death Note to kill anyone."

'But you said you'd use it on an Angel."

"That's different!"

"Oh? How? If it were a human, instead of a monster, that showed up to destroy the city and kill people, who you hesitate to use the Note to stop him?"

Shinji didn't have an answer for that. He fell asleep silently promising never to use the Death Note


	2. Angels & Shinigami

**In Death's Shadow**

**Chapter 2 **

**Angels and Shinigam**i

* * *

><p>"Well, she's certainly popular."<p>

Shinji stood at a distance with Ryuk hovering lazily over one shoulder. Up ahead, they observed a crowd of boys his age (and some older) swarming Asuka with letters and public declarations of love. Somewhere in the mob, Hikari Horaki, Representative of Class 2-A was drowned out, desperately trying to maintain order. Japanese boys apparently loved them some redhead Germans.

"Jealous?" Ryuk teased.

"Please. I'm just glad she's not bothering - "

"Ah, Shinji!"

" – Me."

Asuka managed to break away from the insanity and pranced over to her fellow pilot. "_Guten Morgen_."

"Good morning, Asuka. It seems like you've fit in with the school pretty easily."

"Yeah, but they're all so stupid with their letters and pictures. You'd think they've never seen a foreign girl before."

Was she being serious? Japan didn't have a lot of immigration to begin with, and almost zero following Second Impact. The closed borders following the Impact Wars were technically open, but seldom crossed except by military and governmental officials.

"It's hard, being so beautiful. Hey, where's wonder girl? She too good to hang out with her fellow pilots?" But before Shinji could answer, she spied the blue-haired girl sitting alone on a bench, reading. So Asuka did the polite thing and marched over there and stood in her light. Twice, Rei moved before acknowledging Asuka's presence.

"I'm Asuka. Asuka Langly Soryu. Charmed, huh?"

Rei cast an irritated sideways glance.

"We're going to be great friends, aren't we?"

"If I am ordered to, I will," was all Rei said before walking away.

Asuka puffed up at the insult, which amused Ryuk. "Hehehe, Shinigami don't get into many fights, you know. There's no point when you can live indefinitely and can't harm one another. Human females are ridiculous creatures."

Shinji sighed. _Tell me about it._

* * *

><p>Ryuk paid more attention to Asuka than Shinji during school, openly lamenting that she was unable to see him haunting her. Shinji actually found it rather peaceful, using the time to talk with Toji and Kensuke without having to filter out Ryuk.<p>

But peace can only last so long in post-Impact Tokyo-3. School was barely out of session when the air-raid sirens went off. The three pilots exchanged a wordless glance before running off to NERV. Ryuk followed close at Shinji's side, gleefully exclaiming about how exciting this was going to be.

* * *

><p>Ryoji Kaji, United Nations Special Investigator of NERV, secret agent extraordinaire, and expert womanizer amused himself by watching Shinji and Asuka's bickering. A still image of a bisected Angel was projected onto the wall. It clicked away, showing a rapid series of images of the two halves reforming into individual Angels. Sparing the pilots further embarrassment (or perhaps fueling more of it) the slides omitted most of the battle, instead cutting to two images of Unit 01 and Unit 02, stuck upside-down up their legs in the ground. The slideshow of humiliation ended with a photo of the Angel following being bombarded with an N2 depth charge.<p>

Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki silenced the children with a scolding word and sent them on their way, leaving him, Misato Katsuragi, Ritsuko Akagi, and Ryoji Kaji to devise a way to bring down this Angel.

"Kaji?" It was Fuyutsuki. "We're clearing out."

"I appreciate your concern, Vice Commander, but I'm afraid you'll have to go on without me. This Angel is a puzzle, one I intend to solve."

"Hm." Fuyutsuki narrowed his eyes, but left the Special Investigator to himself.

"He still doesn't trust me," Kaji mused. "Can't say I blame him. I wouldn't trust me either. I don't really give off that trustworthy vibe."

* * *

><p>"So, Shinji, what's your plan for defeating the Angel?" Ryuk made great circles around Shinji's head as he attempted to pick at his food from the NERV cafeteria. "Huh? Huh? Huh? What's the plan?"<p>

"I don't know, Ryuk," Shinji growled into his ramen. "I could probably have handled it, if Asuka hadn't charged ahead like that."

"She did the most damage to it with that axe."

"But that made it split into two."

"Hehehe, you shoulda paid more attention, kid. You let them gang up on you."

"Are…are you actually giving me advice," Ryuk?" Shinji gave the Shinigami a look of surprise.

"Eh? No, absolutely not. I'm taunting you. I don't give advice. Shinigami aren't allowed to help humans."

"Uh huh." Shinji slurped his ramen some more. "You're right, though. I got distracted and let them gang up on me. Rei would probably tell me the same thing." Rei hadn't been present during the debriefing on the Angel. In fact, she seemed to have disappeared since the battle. Where was she?

"Ikari." Uncannily enough, Rei appeared.

"Oh, hi, Rei. How are you?"

"I am…fine. Vice Commander Fuyutsuki has asked me to deliver a message to you: you are to return to your home and rest for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, you will be given a plan for defeating the Angel. That is all."

"Ah, wait, Rei," he called after her.

"Yes?"

"It was, uh, nice talking to you."

"Yes."

"Does everything have to be so awkward between you two?"

"Shut up, Ryuk."

Shinji nearly choked on his ramen when he realized it hadn't been Ryuk who spoke, it had been Kaji. The scruffy inspector happened to be passing by as Rei exited and now eyed Shinji as he struggled to breathe.

"Easy there, kiddo, it's just me. What's got you so worked up?"

"N-Nothing! Rei was just here and – "

"Ah, I understand." Kaji winked at him. "Women, right?" He sipped the canned drink he had with him.

"Yeah," Shinji sighed. "Women."

"Women are a challenge, Shinji, but you'll never conquer them until you learn to conquer yourself. Of course I still have yet to conquer Misato, so I might not be the best man to take advice from. Anyway, I meant to ask you something: what do you think of Asuka?"

"Asuka? Well, I don't really know here that much," he admitted, staring into his food.

"Well, from what time you've had together, tell me."

"Well, she – she…she's kind of bossy. And mean to me. She always seems like she has to win at everything." Something like anger welled up in Shinji. It was hot and flooded through him, but even though he was listing off reasons he didn't like Asuka, he found that he didn't dislike her. "But she is better than me. I mean, I was just sort of dropped into Eva. Asuka though – she's been training her whole life. Maybe she's right when she says I'm not as good as her."

Kaji was silent a minute. "Asuka hasn't had an easy life, Shinji, but neither have you. Don't sell yourself short, Shinji. You've a great job in the Evangelion so far." He stood abruptly. "Thanks, Shinji, you've been a big help."

"W-What was that all for?"

Kaji winked again and gave the thumbs-up. "I've got a plan."

* * *

><p>"I wonder if he ran away again."<p>

"Nah, not Shinji. Not after the way he hit me last time."

"You didn't see him, though. I found him out in the middle of nowhere, alone. He looked pretty down."

"That was the old Shinji. You saw him shoot down that big blue thing!"

"Can it, you two." Hikari Horaki's shrill voice silenced Kensuke and Toji. "Shinji's been training to fight that new Angel."

Kensuke pushed up his glasses with a grin. "Yeah, that one really thrashed him."

Toji folded his arms behind his head. "And Asuka," he agreed.

Hikari was about to say something else to them when the door slid open just barely, revealing both Shinji and Asuka's less than enthused faces. It took the three a moment to understand what they were seeing. They wore identical dance outfits, consisting of a tight black leotard and a loose half-shirt. Toji missed most of the explanation, but he got the end of it. Shinji and Asuka were living together until the Angel was defeated. That set Hikari off about living in sin. Like that was a major concern.

When Hikari calmed down (holding Pen Pen in her lap seemed to help) Misato decided they should stay for the afternoon and watch Shinji and Asuka embarrass themselves.

"So…your plan is to play a dancing rhythm game?" Toji asked finally.

"Uh, yeah," Shinji said sheepishly.

"Please!" Asuka protested. "The steps to this game are the sequence of events we have to follow in order to destroy the Angel together." Suddenly she wheeled on her partner. "Except this idiot keeps screwing up!"

"You go too fast," he protested. "I can't keep up!"

"It's not my fault I'm too good at this game for you!"

Toji titled his head so he could see the scores of both players. Contrary to Asuka's boasts, she was the one missing the most beats. He decided it would not be a good idea to inform her of this, so he kept his mouth shut, lest he incur the wrath of the read-headed banshee.

"I have an idea," Misato announced. "Rei, would you mind taking Asuka's place?"

"Yes." Toji hadn't noticed Rei before that moment. They was she could just appear like that creeped him out. To no one's surprise (except maybe Asuka's) Shinji and Rei scored damn near perfect on their first try. Furious, Asuka ran out of the room, shouting something in German. Hikari shouting something at Shinji about making her cry, and he followed her. When they came back, they went at it again.

* * *

><p>Shinji was exhausted by the time night fell. The two of them stalked off to their separate corners, but not before Asuka moved her sleeping things into Misato's room, since she was working late, and declared the door the Wall of Jericho and that was not to cross it. Although he had read somewhere that the walls of Jericho fell a long time ago, he decided not to argue and simply went to his room, which was a different one than Misato had given him.<p>

Asuka had commandeered his room. He didn't really care, except this one was more of a closet than a room. He laid there a while in the quiet before realizing he hadn't seen Ryuk at all that day. Where was he?

"Can't believe it," he mumbled. "I think I miss him."

He didn't miss the Shinigami too much though, since he tired and started falling asleep to his music almost immediately, awoken only briefly by a soft thud beside him. It was Asuka, having apparently sleep-walked into his room. Her face was right beside his. Her lips were almost to him, and he found himself moving closer…closer…

"Ma…ma," she whispered in her sleep. "Mama."

With a sigh, Shinji pulled back. "You're still just a child."

* * *

><p>"What are you?"<p>

From his perch, Ryuk observed the mangles mass of flesh that was the Angel, split down the middle almost to what would be the groin, the two halves were pulled apart like palms leaves or a banana peel. The melted flesh bubbled occasionally, ever so slowly pulling itself back together. There was no semblance of a face anywhere, much to Ryuk's chagrin.

"Who are you?"

His eyes found the red sphere that was the core, the house of the Angel's soul perhaps. It shimmered in his vision, but it hurt to look at it for too long, so he resumed searching for a face. Eventually, he found…something. Another spherical object, only this one was black and white. A yin-yang symbol, if he remembered correctly. And it must have counted for a face.

Symbols appeared in simmering text over the "face", a language he didn't recognize. But that should not be. All text and language was immediately converted into a form Shinigami could read or understand. Even if he had never read, say, Swahili, he should be able to recognize it. But this…this was nonsense to him.

He copied the symbols down into his Death Note and waited. Forty seconds crawled by and nothing happened. The mangled Angel remained as it was, repairing itself. Confused, Ryuk almost flew away, if the shimmering letters hadn't started to make sense. Still, no number appeared, detailing how much of the Angel's lifespan remained.

"Is…ra…fel…"

* * *

><p>The battle plan went down exactly as planned by Kaji, except for the end, when both Eva's fell into each other and the two children started bickering. Again. Everyone else in NERV couldn't believe their eyes, but Kaji just laughed. After all, they were just children.<p>

Children forced to fight this war.

* * *

><p>Once the remnants of the twin Angel were cleared away, it was easy to forget about it. Unlike the first three, it had not actually caused that much damage to Tokyo-3. In fact, Eva 01 and Eva 02 had done more to wreck the city than the Angel. Overall, though, compared to the last Angel attack on the city, this one was barely a crisis.<p>

The blasé attitude towards the Angels was evidenced by the field trip for class 2-A. Even the threat of a potential attack didn't dissuade them, confident that NERV would save them if it ever came to that. Kaji wasn't sure if he liked this or not.

He definitely didn't enjoy shopping with Asuka. Technically, he was still her guardian, although he had hoped that having her stay with Misato would absolve him of this duty. And yet, here he was, UN Special Investigator of NERV, taking a fourteen year-old girl clothes shopping. Sighing, he wondered what sin he had committed to damn him to this.

"How about this one, Kaji?"

"Yes, I'm sure it looks excellent, Asuka."

"You didn't even look!"

"Fine, let me…see."

She was waving a red-and-white striped bikini in his face. A couple of moms passing by gave him disapproving looks. Was it that obvious he and she weren't father and daughter? Gently, he pushed the swimsuit down. "Don't you already have a bathing suit?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't fit my chest right anymore," she pouted. The same moms actually turned back his way and frowned. Hard. Kaji ignored both of their stares and Asuka's attempts to get him to look at her breasts.

"Why don't you get one of those swimsuits that don't…reveal so much of you? You're only fourteen, Asuka. You have plenty of time to be an adult later."

"But Kaji, we're going scuba-diving in the ruins of Okinawa! I need to look my best for the trip."

He didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't able to go.

* * *

><p>"I was beginning to think you had abandoned me," Shinji mumbled, not taking his eyes off the laptop screen filled with physics homework. Ryuk didn't reflect off the LCD display, but something about the way the air chilled announced his presence. Or maybe some mystical death-connection. Wouldn't <em>that<em> be depressing?

"Hehehe, I couldn't if I tried, kid. You're far to interesting for me to simply abandon you."

"Uh huh." Shinji scribbled on his notebook. To an observer, he appeared to still be working, but he was putting that on hold while conversing with the Shinigami. The scribbles turned out to be a doodle of Ryuk eating an apple, which he promptly scratched out.

"Miss me that much, eh?"

"Shut up, Ryuk. It was quiet without you around."

"Ah, don't get so defensive, kid."

They both glanced sideways at Asuke, who was practicing suba-diving in the NERV pool, in lieu of the ruins of Okinawa. She kept shouting for him to watch her. Somewhere in the water was Rei, but she hardly made a sound as she swam.

"So where have you been?" Shinji absently typed a few number and hastily delete them, repating this process several times.

"Oh, you know, around."

"Awesome," he deadpanned. "Hey, can you pick up after yourself? I keep finding apple cores in my bed, and Misato's getting suspicious, since we don't ever have apples in the apartment."

"Hehe, sorry kid. You don't have a window anymore, so I can't get rid of them that way."

"What about just picking them up?"

"Nah, I like making your like harder."

Shinji sighed, his worst fears confirmed.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Asuka demanded, suddenly behind him.

Fighting the reflex to start sputtering, Shinji simply replied, "Homework."

"Liar," she countered. "I heard you talking to yourself. You're not exactly sneaky about it." She bent over to look at his homework. "It's fine if you're a weirdo, just own up to it. Physics, huh? Oh this one's easy." She typed up the answer in a few seconds, although Shinji paid more attention to her breasts, which were basically in his face.

"How…how can you do that so quickly, but your grades are worse than mine?"

"Because: I can do the work, but I can't read the kanji as well. I didn't have time to learn to read it as well as speak it in Germany before I got transferred. I am a genius, you know." She stood proudly over him.

"Yeah…thanks, Asuka."

"Of course! Always happy to help." As she pranced away, Shinji amended her statement to "Always happy to show off my superior intelligence to lesser beings." He watched her go, his eyes wandering all over her b –

He looked away quickly, lest she notice and call him a pervert. Back to his homework. Annoyingly, Asuka's answer was perfect.

"Man, I wish she had gotten the Death Note instead of you, kid," Ryuk said wistfully.

He made to comment, but found Rei staring at him from across the pool. She narrowed her eyes slightly before diving back into the water.

* * *

><p>Asuka was beside herself. NERV had located an embryonic Angela and they were sending her out to get it! Nevermind that Stupid Shinji was going too – she was taking the point lead this time. Finally, a chance to show just how skilled a pilot she was! And to top it off, Wondergirl was staying behind to protect the city.<p>

Poor Wondergirl. She almost pitied her, but knew her pity would be wasted on such an emotionless girl who did whatever anybody told her to. Still, she felt something for her. _Gott im Himmel_, Asuka would have raised sooo much hell about being left behind. An ace pilot is never left behind.

Her excitement sublimated the moment she say the Type-D equipment for her Eva: a comically spherical set of armor that encased the entire machine. It looked absolutely ridiculous. And then Dr. Akagi revealed the feature in her own Plug Suit to compensate for the elevated temperatures: filling it with enough coolant to swell her up to the size of Violet Beauregarde, ready for juicing.

At least the Third Child had the sense not to laugh at her (she would have beaten him otherwise) on the way to the Mount Asama. Any envy she had of him not wearing the embarrassing suit was cancelled out by the pride of taking point position.

_I won't fail._

* * *

><p>"Check out the harpies," Ryuk deadpanned, glancing skyward. Six black bird shapes circled the temporary NERV base at the summit of Mount Asama.<p>

'What are those?" He was talking to Ryuk, but Asuka overheard him.

"United Nations planes, probably. Are they here to support us?"

"Unfortunately not," Misato broke in. "They're here as precautionary measure, in case we fail to capture the Angel. All of the aircraft are loaded with N2 Mines and they'll drop them into the volcano without a second thought."

"Who ordered that?" Asuka demanded. Shinji could guess.

"Commander Ikari."

* * *

><p>Surprisingly, diving into the magma wasn't as bad as Asuka had thought. The Type-D equipment prevented the Entry Plug from overheating and the pressure squeezed her Plug Suit back to normal dimensions. Her Eva still looked ugly in the equipment, but she decided it was better than melting.<p>

"Increase depth 100 meter," came Misato's voice over the communication array. "What do you see, Asuka?"

"A whole lot of nothing," she replied. "It's impossible to detect anything in this mess."

Another voice sounded over the communication, a male's voice – Hyuga, maybe. "Maybe the current was too strong and pushed the Angel further than we anticipated."

"Increase depth," was Misato's reply.

The protective shell around Unit 02 creaked and moaned under the pressure. At first it was only occasionally, but now it was almost constant. Asuka had faith in the NERV engineering – and she was determined the find the Angel embryo – but she wasn't about to die in this burning hell hole. Her Progressive Knife, which had been strapped to the outside of the Type-D equipment since the shoulder pylons were unreachable now, snapped loose and sank quickly.

"Hey wait, what's that?" Just below the Eva's feet, she could see something black stand out against the surrounding magma.

"Pattern: Blue. It's the Angel. Asuka, deploy the electromagnetic containment field."

"Roger, Misato." The high-pressure and heat resistant metal frame unfolded and perfectly encased the embryo, which looked disturbingly like a human fetus. The space between the bars shimmered and hummed, indicating the field was active and holding steady. "Angel secured. Beginning ascent."

Well, that was easy. Asuka was actually disappointed at how easy it was. This was supposed to be her chance to impress the commander, although she supposed that as long as the mission went off without any complications.

And then it got complicated.

Alarms started going off within and without the Eva. Misato, Ritsuko, and Fuyutsuki were all shouting though the communication array. It came out as gibberish to Asuka but the contained Angel appeared to be…no, it was moving. Expanding. Growing. Growing very fast. It actually broke the electromagnetic barrier and destroyed the metal shell. The force pushed her Eva and the Angel away from each other.

Asuka reached for the Progressive Knife, forgetting it had snapped off. She wore. It was just like before, only this time she wouldn't have Stupid Shinji clouding her thought patterns.

"Where is it, Misato?"

"We're looking, Asuka, but the magma currents are messing with our sensors. Start bringing her up, we'll regroup – or have the U.N. drop the N2 mines."

"But Misato!"

"No 'buts' Asuka; that's an order. It's too dangerous."

Not like she had any say in it anyway when the wench began reeling in the cable that prevented her from sinking to the bottom of the fiery pit. The Angel made a pass at her and she slashed the knife, but it kept on going. It was testing her. Taunting her. She swore at in German and Japanese.

"Shinji! Throw me your knife. Quickly!"

"Right. Here it comes!"

But things fall slowly in molten rock.

* * *

><p>Ryuk was thankful for the knife's slow descent, as it made it easy to follow down. He was also thankful for not melting in the magma, because despite being able to become incorporeal, he had never actually tested it on a volcano.<p>

It seemed silly in retrospect.

However, having Shinigami eyes did not afford him any sort of enhanced vision within the swirling fire rock. Sure, he could see farther and sharper than a human, but that didn't really help in this instance. He was still randomly scanning for sign of the new Angel while Asuka failed about for the knife that kept sinking and sinking…and sinking…

It was like watching grass grow in the Shinigami realm. Of course, grass didn't grow in the Shinigami realm, but the point was the same.

He saw the Angel as soon as Eva 02 grabbed the knife. It charged, full force into Asuka, latching on like a lamprey. Ryuk couldn't make heads or tails (or face) of the thing, but apparently whatever he was seeing counted as a face because a handful of shimmering symbols hovered above it in his vision. After some concentration, he made them out.

"San…dal…phon."

Again, no lifepan numbers. And the name was initially a language he didn't recognize.

After a moment, the Angel fell away from the Eva and disintegrated into the magma – evidently, Asuak had defeated it. "What? I missed the fight! Aw, what a drag. Oh well, I may have found something much more interesting, hehehe."

* * *

><p>"Shinji!"<p>

"Ah!" Shinji reflexively ducked beneath the steaming waters of the hot springs, but resurfaced when he realized the voice was Ryuk's. Pen Pen just gave him a disapproving stare and continued to enjoy himself. "What do you want, Ryuk?

"What do you know about the Angels?"

"Only what NERV tells me," Shinji admitted. "Why?"

"Curiosity." It wasn't a total lie. A half-truth.

Shinji kept his mouth just at the water line, to disguise any noises he might make. Misato and Asuka were just on the other side of the bathhouse, and he didn't want to give Asuka (or misato for that matter) any more reasons to call him weird.

"Just that they show up to try and kill us periodically. They have weird forms, and are composed of a partic…ular…late…wave…something…uh, they've made of light or energy. And somehow they're over 99% related to humans." He paused. "It's strange and creepy and I don't like to think about it."

"Oh, why not?"

"Because. Well, if they're almost human, then… And we don't know why they do the things they do. Or where they come from." The disturbing truth hit him. "I'm fighting a war against an enemy that I know nothing about."

* * *

><p>Ryuk pondered as he flew.<p>

"If humans and Angels are closely related, why doesn't the Death Note kill them? Does that make them related to Shinigami as well? Shinigami can't kill one another with the Note and are basically immortal so long as we use it once in a while. Humans are mortal, but change and create ways to tame the environment. So what are Angels? Immortal beings with a self-regenerating life force? That seems preposterous, and yet…my eyes cannot show me their lifespans."

He phased through the walls and kept going down as far as he wanted.

"So if humans and Angels are related, and Shinigami and Angels are somehow related – that makes humans and Shinigami related."

He grinned the wide grin at the imposing visage.

"We're all connected. Isn't that right?" Symbols he recognized shimmered into existence above the massive construct. "Yui Ikari."


	3. The Growing Shadow

**In Death's Shadow**

**Chapter 3**

**The Growing Shadow  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"What are you doing, Gelus?"<p>

Rem was one of the more humanoid Shinigami in existence. By some twist of fate, her form came out like a partially mummified skeleton. Putting aside the endless mortal nightmares of being chased by skeletons and mummies and zombies (this insight being mostly derived from cursory examination of human cinema) the few times she had become visible to humans, they had taken her appearance in relative stride.

Some, like Daril Ghiroza or Calikarcha tended to inspire madness in mortal. It seemed sometimes that the human mind was so fragile that it would simply break upon being presented with a being hideous enough. Gelus was probably up there, though by Shinigami standards, he was normal looking.

"Nothing. Go away."

But she knew exactly what he was doing. For the past…well, for some time now, Gelus had been watching a particular human girl. Time was difficult to measure in a world with no night or day, inhabited by beings that neither age nor die. All of Gelus' friends (or those that could stand his company) had left him. He had stopped talking to others and finally stopped moving from the scrying orb, staring into constantly.

"You need to stop watching that human, Gelus," Rem warned. "It won't go well for you."

Gelus wheeled his patchwork body around. "Did I ask for your opinion, Rem? I don't tell you how to spend _your_ eternity, so don't tell me how to spend _mine_!" He spun back around and resumed his obsession, deliberately oblivious to the existence of the world around him.

Rem sighed and made to turn away, when Gelus shouted.

"NOOO! He's going to kill you, my love!"

Rem knew what was coming next. "Gelus, no!"

But it wasn't enough. The Shinigami quickly scribbled the name of the girl's assailant into his Death Note. Forty seconds passed in silence – then the Shinigami caught fire and fell away into dust.

"Gelus, you fool."

He was dead. Saving a mortal's life was one of the few ways for a Shinigami to die, and possibly the only one not involving punishment from the Shinigami King. She would live, with Gelus' lifespan added onto her own. And she would never know.

Gingerly, Rem retrieved the Death Note from the ashes, and glanced into the scrying orb. "This belongs to you know, girl. A Shinigami gave his existence for your short, miserable life. Let's see how you use it."

Leathery wings sprouted from her back and she disappeared through the portal to the mortal realm.

* * *

><p>"He hung up!"<p>

When the phone line cut out, Shinji simply stared at it for a moment. Had his father simply hung up on him, or had the power actually cut out? Considering this was Tokyo-3, a fortress city built to withstand the awesome force of the Angels – whose internal infrastructure was build to hold up against military grade standards – it seemed much more plausible a scenario that Gendo Ikari had just hung up. But when he tried dialing the operator, there wasn't even a dial tone.

It still didn't earn Gendo any father-of-the-year points.

With a grimace, he replaced the phone on the receiver, and with that same grimace, faced his Shinigami shadow.

"Did he hang up on you?" he asked.

"Power outage," Shinji corrected. "The phone lines are down. So is all the electricity, I bet. So much for a fortress city."

"Hehehe, so what now, kid?"

"Well," Shinji fished out his emergency NERV booklet. "Protocol dictates I return to NERV and await further orders. Actually, it says to use my emergency cellular phone, but the towers are down, too. So, looks like we have to hoof it."

"You, have to hoof it," Ryuk informed him. "I can fly."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "You're still coming with me."

"Of course, I would _never_ think of leaving you, Shinji. You're _so_ interesting." Ryuk laid the sarcasm on pretty thick, but then he wasn't really trying to hide it.

They walked on in silence for a little bit without seeing anyone. No cars were out. No one was walking around. It seemed as though the evacuation procedures had been drilled into the citizens so much that they followed them without even a second thought.

"Of course there's a black out," Shinji muttered. "Pretty soon, an Angel's going to show up. Just you wait."

"Hehehe, I hope so. Would liven things up around here." He cast his lantern-eyed gaze in a wide sweep over the desolate city. "Place is like a ghost town here, hehehe."

"You know something, Ryuk," Shinji said after a few more minutes.

"What's that?"

"I didn't used to be so sarcastic."

"Oh really? What changed?"

"You."

"Hehehe. Well, I try."

* * *

><p>"I don't believe this," Misato muttered when the elevator shuddered to a stop between floors. The overheard lights flickered, dimmed, but did not go out; NERV's emergency generators supplied enough power to keep lights active. For a short time, at least.<p>

"That there's been a blackout," Kaji inquired with a half smile, "or that you're stuck in here with me?"

She grunted. "Both, I guess."

Smartly directing the conversation away from himself, Ryoji Kaji asked, "What do you think caused it?"

"Probably Ritsuko and her activation test on Unit 00."

Kaji's eyes narrowed. "Activation test? Didn't we just have one a few weeks ago?"

"Well, the first one was right before I arrived, and that was…"

"I heard." He spared her having to recount the horrific story.

"Yeah, and then the second was before you and Asuka came here. Before Jet Alone, actually. That was the one with the big blue diamond thing that almost drilled – "

"Penetrated."

" – All the way into the Geofront." She blushed at Kaji's choice of words but continued. "It did, actually, but Shinji…he saved us." Her eyes lost focus for a moment. "Right, Unit 00. Even though that test was successful, they wanted to do another with the shoulder pylons to make sure we didn't have a repeat of the first."

"What difference do the shoulder pylons make?"

Misato shrugged, suddenly aware of the limited supply of oxygen in the elevator. Kaji seemed to pick up on this – or maybe he was picking up that she didn't want to talk, which was unlikely, because he always tried to goad her, even when she was angry. Either way, he shut up, leaving them in silence.

And just beyond the doors, she knew, was darkness. Not all of the lights would be working, only ones like elevators and stairwells. Unconsciously, she stepped closer to her former lover.

* * *

><p>Asuka promptly assumed leadership of the three Children upon their congregation at the entrance to NERV, which, to Shinji, seemed a little public for a quasi-secret paramilitary organization, but whatever, he wasn't in charge. Neither he nor Rei supported or opposed Asuka's coup, but simply went along with her; it was easier that way.<p>

Any time she said "This was" it was usually the other way. Rei always corrected her. In true Asuka fashion, she rejected the comment, belittled the speaker, and then proceeded to actually follow the advice without actually acknowledging that she was doing so.

"She's a good commander," Ryuk observed, gliding silently along. "But a bad leader. Doesn't take criticism well. Makes rash decisions."

"I didn't notice," Shinji deadpanned a little too loudly. "Are you going to tell me now that Rei doesn't show much emotion or that Misato has father issues?" It came out harsher than he would have liked, but stumbling around in the dark while Asuka made wrong decisions was beginning to wear on him.

Unfortunately, he was heard. "Hey, keep it down back there! If you're going to talk to yourself, talk about something that will get us out of here faster."

"Fine," he mumbled. "Any idea how to get to NERV Headquarters, Ryuk?"

"Nope. I just follow you, kid. Hehehe." It was not a complete lie, but then it wasn't necessary for Ryuk to know the layout of the complex, seeing as he could phase through walls and all that. He did know some of the more commonly traversed routes, but this – crawling through the underbelly of the city – that was far beyond his ability to pay attention. "There's an Angel out there," he declared suddenly.

"How do you know that?"

"Er…" Crap. "It's definitely not because Angels and Shinigami have some sort of weird connection that I don't understand. Nope that's not it at."

"Uh huh." That made Shinji start thinking. "I wonder what the Angels are, anyway." Again, his voice was louder than he wanted it to be, so Asuka heard it up at the front.

"What kind of question is that, stupid?" She looked back but didn't break her stride.

"Well, I mean, we don't know anything about them. We don't even know where they come from or why they want to kill us."

"Does it matter? Angels are the enemy! And we have to kill our enemies. If we don't, then we get killed. It's pretty simple, really."

_I don't accept that._

"Perhaps we may one day come to understand them," Rei intoned. "Perhaps they are not so different from us. Perhaps there is someone who may bridge the endless abyss that divides us, to strip away all facades and falsehoods, and unite all in peace."

"What are you talking about, Wondergirl? Humans and Angels can't ever get along! All they want is to eliminate us, so we have to defend ourselves."

"I don't think she was talking about humans and Angels," Ryuk observed, but offered no further explanation. Shinji was used to his shadow not explaining what he thought. Hell, he was used to _everyone_ not explaining things. But for some reason, this issue stuck in his mind like an itch he couldn't seem to reach.

_What are the Angels and why do they want to destroy us?_

It just seemed like everyone know more than he did.

"This is it!" Asuka announced after a few more minutes. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you NERV Headquarters!" She pulled the lever and swung the door away from her, into the portal, revealing not NERV, but downtown Tokyo-3. They were several stories above the street and Asuka almost fell; luckily she maintained her grip on the door and managed to climb back inside.

And just in time, too. A massive eye on a black body moved past the open doorway. There was absolutely no question about it: an Angel had come to Tokyo-3.

Ryuk grinned. He was getting better at forcing Angelic names to reveal themselves. This one was called Matarael. What good that did him still escaped him, but it certainly was interesting.

* * *

><p>"Seriously, you two? Couldn't keep it in your pants for five minutes?" From the forced-open elevator door, a team of uniformed NERV workers – Ritsuko and Maya included – waited while Misato and Kaji disentangled themselves from one another. A botched attempt to escape out the roof hatch had ended with a fall.<p>

"Now's not the time, Ritsuko," Misato growled, hoisting herself up onto the hallway floor. The elevator had gotten stuck between levels so in order to get out, Misato had to scramble up a three foot concrete wall, only reluctantly accepting help from two workers. "What happened while we were in there?"

"Electricity's out across the whole city. All emergency power has been diverted to the MAGI and Terminal Dogma. And there's an Angel," she added with a resigned sigh.

"That's not suspicious," Kaji remarked, adjusting his shirt and wiping the sweat from his scruff.

"It's very suspicious," she countered, choosing to ignore his ironic statement.

"We thought so too," Ritsuko urged them onward. "Chances are, whoever took out the power is using this as an opportunity to learn about NERV's layout, by how we restore power. That being the most likely scenario, we've run several dummy programs to restart areas out of order."

Kaji frowned. This sounded like SEELE's doing, but why would they do this to NERV, a group dependent on SEELE for funds and data on potential Eva pilots? But maybe he was just jumping to conclusions. It could be any number of terrorist organizations, foreign espionage groups, or even JHCI, still bitter after the Jet Alone embarrassment. But it didn't do any good to speculate right now.

"What's that?" Everyone stopped. At first, he didn't hear it, lost in his thoughts. But, sure enough, something was banging around in the ceiling - sounded like an air vent or something. The banging got louder and he could make out voices, well, one overbearing female voice and a pitifully apologetic male voice.

"Oh no," he moaned.

Like something out of a manga, a ventilation hatch gave way and out tumbled Shinji and Asuka, tangled in each other in not a dissimilar way to he and Misato not a few minutes earlier. Rei, on the other hand, landed on her feet, a gymnast sticking a perfect landing.

"Oh, good," Ritsuko deadpanned. "You're here."

* * *

><p>The battle against the Ninth Angel went the most smoothly of any sortie so far, considering the circumstances. A single round from the pallet rifle was all it took to bring the opilionid monster down; there was barely even a hint of an A.T. Field. Despite the blackout that preceded it and the complications it brought, news of the easy win spread throughout NERV like the flu, elevating moral to absurd levels.<p>

Only Misato, seemed immune to the euphoric high.

For the first time in years, she dreamed of her father. She dreamed of Antarctica. She dreamed of Second Impact. Waking to a mixture of sweat and tears, she fumbled for the cross, the necklace her father had given to her in his last moments, before the capsule closed over her and Second Impact stole him away from her.

The Wings of Adam rising over the ruins of the South Pole were burned into her eyelids; she saw them whenever she blinked, whenever night fell.

"Oh, Pen Pen," she whispered to the hot springs penguin as he snuggled up beside her, acutely aware of her distress. She sometimes forgot how intelligent he really was. She told him about the dream, the closest thing she had to a confidant. "Why now, after all these years? I thought I was done with this. Yeah, I've thought of him every day since then, but I haven't had that dream since…" Since she broke her two-year silence.

She rose, not caring if she was dressed or not and paced the dark apartment. Despite the growing anxiety in her stomach, she didn't dare turn on any of the lights, lest she wake either of her wards, and risk exposing her weakness. She found herself staring through a narrow slit between the door and the frame at a sleeping Shinji.

"Protect me," she whispered, desperately pleading; and guilty.

* * *

><p>It rained.<p>

Shinji found himself watching the deluge as it painted the skyline a damp shade of grey. Here and there a pinpoint of light indicated a radio tower, an open window, a passing plane. Thunder rumbled somewhere far off, like a sleeping bear never coming fully awake. Jutting up above the buildings at an awkward angle was the last of the Angels spindly legs. NERV was getting efficient at cleanup. He suspected that leg would remain until the rain let up.

"What are you looking at?" Asuka asked, not in her usual demanding voice.

"The city," Shinji said simply. "It looks different in the rain." He expected her to scold him; instead she walked over and stood beside him.

"You're right, it does. In the day it looks nice and ready for battle – like the fortress city it's supposed to be. But this," she indicated the skyline with a hand, "is just depressing. Looks like any other city. Might even be Berlin, if I didn't know any better."

"Do you miss it?"

"What? Berlin?" She seemed to consider the question. "I never thought about it. There wasn't really much to miss. I speak Japanese as well as German, and I don't mind the food here. One city looks just as much like another, I suppose."

"You don't miss anything?" He was trying to inquire about her family, but felt awkward about coming right out and asking.

"Nope," she said with absolution. "Nothing to miss."

"Not even family?"

"I said I didn't miss Berlin," she shouted, suddenly angry. "How many times do I have to say it before it gets through your thick head, _baka_?"

"Did I…say something wrong?"

She stopped midway through her storm-off. "Of course you- oh, never mind. You wouldn't understand anyway."

_I could if you would tell me._

"What about you, the boy who lucked into an Eva?"

"What do you mean?"

She rolled her eyes. "Do _you_ miss…wherever you come from?"

"I lived out in the country with my teacher until I was summoned here by Misato…well, my father, I guess. At least out there, I didn't have to worry about the Angels or piloting an Eva. With him, it was simple, but…"

"But what?"

He shrugged. "Now it feels like I didn't amount to anything back then, like I wasn't worth anything. But when I pilot the Eva, I don't know it feels like maybe I do." They lapsed into a still silence that was almost awkward. "Or maybe that sounds stupid."

"Maybe," Asuka conceded gently. "But then you _are _Stupid Shinji, so I guess it fits."

For whatever reason, that made him laugh, which made her laugh, and suddenly they were both laughing while the downpour continued to wash the city of its most recent battle scars. It was, he realized, that he had ever heard Asuka really laugh.

The sound of a door closing, sobered them up quick, each giving the other a look that neither could quite decipher – a mixture of confusion, joy, fear, and a silent vow to never let anyone know what had just happened.

"Thanks for letting us in, Ms. Katsuragi." That sounded like Toji. What was he doing here.

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Kensuke agreed. "It really started coming down on us."

"Oh, it's no problem," Misato waved away their gratitudes easily. "I'll get some towels. You can stay here until the rain lets up. Shinji! Asuka! Toji and Kes – oh, there you are. Be right back."

"Well," Toji said after a moment. "Don't you two look pleased with yourselves."

Shinji felt his face flush. "W-What?"

The two drowned boys looked from Shinji to Asuka, shared a look and grinned. "I think that look on your face says more than enough."

Both tried to sputter out an explanation but the already jumbled words tripped over their counterparts and after a long minute, they were both left red-faced and silent.

Misato returned eventually with towels, handing one to each boy and casting a curious glance at Shinji and Asuka. "What's with these two?"

"Lover's quarrel," Kensuke clarified. "Oh, congratulations on your promotion _Major_ Katsuragi."

"Oh, you noticed? Thank you; it just happened this morning. I haven't really had time to tell people about it – not that there's really anyone to tell."

"You should celebrate," Toji decided, tussling his hair with the towel. "After the last Angel battle, and now this – what reason isn't there to celebrate?"

Misato smiled, a true, genuine smile. "That's sweet. I don't know if I have any time for a party, but that's sweet anyway. Oh, before I forget. Shinji and Asuka: you have a harmonics test this afternoon. I know there's not one scheduled, but Ritsuko thinks we need an extra one after the blackout."

She disappeared again, back to paperwork, Shinji supposed, leaving him with a well of guilt in his stomach for not noticing her promotion.

_Where's Ryuk? He would have pointed that out to me._

* * *

><p>Asuka didn't speak to Shinji at all during the ride back to Misato's apartment. When Ritsuko had informed them that his synch ratio was closing the gap with Asuka, he had expected her to be excited for him, especially after earlier, but instead she had pouted and stormed away. Now they sat in uncomfortable silence. He had to think of something to say!<p>

But nothing came to him, and they entered the apartment without a single word spoken.

And then there was a party. Apparently, Kensuke had taken Toji's suggestion seriously, and organized a small celebration in honor of Misato's promotion. They both were there waiting, along with class representative Hikari Horaki.

"We invited Rei," Kensuke explained. "But she turned us down."

"She's not really a fan of parties," Misato explained, obviously not offended.

Asuka's bad mood dissipated after a short while, once she began conversing with Hikari. In fact, the good mood that followed the defeat of the Ninth Angel returned and despite the synch test, nobody was talking about the Evas or the Angels or NERV, beyond congratulating Misato, but that only went as far as JSSDF.

"Oh, it's nothing really," she replied modestly. "Becoming a major doesn't really change my job description. I don't even get much of a pay raise." She punctuated that with a swig of Boa brand beer.

"Still, though, a major," Kensuke fawned. "So cool! You know, I'm going to go into the military after high school."

"Oh, really? What branch?"

"JASDF."

"The air force? I thought you wanted to be an Eva pilot?"

"Well, assuming that I don't qualify, of course. I've got options, Misato. Can't keep a man tied down."

Misato laughed and almost shot beer out her nose.

And then there was Shinji, sitting just close so that he appeared to be part of the merriment, but removed enough where he could be forgotten about. Occasionally Hikari or Misato would try to pull him into the conversation, but he would only say a few words before fading out again. Even when Kaji and Ritsuko arrived – and Kaji plopped right down next to him – he said very little.

"Did she tell you that the Commander left her in charge?"

By everyone's reaction, no, she had not. "It's true. Commander Ikari and Vice Commander Fuyutsuki left earlier on important business. Our very own Major Katsuragi is top dog in NERV, at least for a few days, anyway."

"Thank you, Kaji," she said through gritted teeth. "I was trying not to think about that."

And all Shinji could think, throughout all the drinking and laughter was _Where could Ryuk be?_

* * *

><p>Returning to the Shinigami Realm felt like a homecoming to Ryuk, a disgraceful type of homecoming, the kind that happens to someone in their late twenties who is forced to return home to their parent's home after failing to secure a stable job in the years following college graduation. Although Ryuk hadn't failed at anything (indeed, he hadn't actually set out to accomplish much) the sight of the drab rocky terrain sank his spirits.<p>

The human world was so active and bright. People always had someplace to be, something to do. Always in a hurry. Here, though, in the realm of his…existence (were Shinigami even born?) nobody went anywhere or did anything except gamble and sleep. He'd thought he could never hate this place anymore than when he left it, but he was wrong. The sooner he left the better.

A handful of calls were directed at him, asking, sometimes sarcastically, sometimes interested, what he was doing back here so soon? But nobody made any attempt to follow him, which was just as well. They were nothing to him, little more than gnats, pestering annoyances. With each flap of his black wings, a new area of the world vanished beneath him and with it hundreds of lazy Shinigami.

_Was I one of them, so long ago?_

He flew for hours, days it seemed, before he reached his destination, a solitary spire reaching out of a vast wasteland, with an expansive hollow carved into it. The hollow reached back a ways, until no light from the outside could be seen – and then it opened to a vast pit that seemed to reach down to the very core of the earth, or whatever lay below the ground of this Realm.

Ryuk descended.

The descent was as arduous as the journey across the land, consuming hours and possibly days of his time. Dim light flooded the endless abyss from cracks in the rough walls. Sometimes, he thought he could hear screaming, vaguely remembering stories of punishments applied to Shinigami who broke the rules of being a God of Death. At a certain level, the punishments became lethal, but not before subjecting the guilty to horrible torture.

At that point, death would be a relief.

Death was a curious thing, to a Shinigami. He did not live in fear of dying, for as long as he could write names in the Death Note, he would live eternally. This lack of fear had become such a blight that Shinigami actually stopped writing in the Note. He had seen a few wither away and turn to dust before his eyes because they had forgotten the terms of their immortality.

Ryuk would never forget.

Finally, the descent came to an end. His wings aching from the flight, Ryuk retracted them and made the rest of the way on foot, which was just as bleak and uninteresting as the fall had been. At least this time, there was something interesting waiting at the end.

"Hello, Nu."

"Ryuk," replied the Shinigami. It was a hideous thing, like a mound of earth that stuck straight up six feet, and was about three feet wide. Dozens of misshapen eyes littered the thing blinking and swiveling around, seemingly at random. Even Ryuk found Nu to be unsettling. "Why have you come here?"

"I need to talk to him. I have some questions."

"Then you have wasted your time, Shinigami Ryuk. He is not receiving visitors at this time."

"Since when did he act like a real king?"

"That is not your concern. He has ordered the gates closed and me to turn away visitors. I'm afraid you have wasted your time."

Ryuk knew better than to try and force his way past Nu. She might look immobile and harmless, but she possessed powers second only to the King of Death himself.

"Well, you tell the Shinigami King that Ryuk was here, and that he has some questions about the Angels."

Nu bristled, but said nothing.

"Mind if I rest here? The trip down was a killer." He didn't wait for her permission, choosing a relatively flat location on which to lay and watch and wait.

* * *

><p>"I don't…what am I looking at, Hyuga?"<p>

"It's an Angel," Makoto Hyuga replied with a shrug. "It was just discovered in geosynchronous orbit less than an hour ago. About fifteen minutes ago, an explosion detonated over the Pacific Ocean. Upon closer inspection, it appears that the Angel dropped the explosive object."

Even as he said that, another explosion sent a plume of water and steam high into the atmosphere. "That one was more to the…it's coming towards us," he realized.

Misato furrowed her brow. "It's going to keep correcting its aim until it drops a bomb right on Tokyo-3. How the hell did it go undetected? Look at that monster!" Indeed, monster was the most apt description. The Tenth Angel was an orange amoeboid eye with splayed hand-like projections. It looked to be massive, although from so far above the atmosphere, without any sort of relative comparison, she couldn't be sure.

Seconds later, the live feed cut out.

"A.T. Field interference," Ritsuko surmised. "That's powerful enough to alter electromagnetic waves. I don't think we've encountered one that strong before."

"But that doesn't explain how it got there."

"No it doesn't," Ritsuko agreed.

"So what do you think, Ritsuko? Will it keep dropping bombs on us when it finally finds us?"

She shook her head. "No. My guess is that once it corrects its aim enough, it will drop its entire mass on us. Even a near miss will be enough to turn Tokyo-3 into an extension of the Pacific Ocean."

Misato drummed her finger on Makoto's seat. "Issue the order to evacuate everyone within a fifty-kilometer radius. I want the city and surrounding areas deserted when this thing falls. Lieutenant Ibuki, contact Shinji, Rei, and Asuka; have them suited up in five minutes, then I'll brief them on the plan."

"Your insane plan to catch it when it falls on us?" Ritsuko demanded as she followed her out of the room.

"That's the one."

"You're going to do this, seriously?"

"Yes I am." She was very serious.

"You're going to throw away all three Evas with your selfish decision? The chance of success is only 0.00001%. That's not even one in ten thousand!"

"It's not zero, is it? I'm putting my faith in the Evas."

"Major Katsuragi!"

"I am currently in charge. I want to do whatever I can. Destroying the Angels is my duty."

"Don't make me laugh, This is for your own sake, isn't it? Your revenge against the Angels!"

Furious, the two women turned away from one another. Misato hurt deep inside from Ritsuko's words. They weren't lies – but that was why they hurt so much.

* * *

><p>True to the predictions, once the Angel determined the rough location of Tokyo-3, it began to rapidly decrease its altitude. Shinji, Asuka, and Rei all took off from their starting position around the city and raced towards the rapidly shifting ground zero. The Angel was little more than a light in the sky – a bright star, or a passing satellite. Soon enough, however, it became visible, and with it came the sonic boom indicating a shattered sound barrier.<p>

"I'm not going to make it," Shinji thought out loud. The Angel was falling too rapidly, and would land too far away. Neither Asuka or Rei would reach it time, but they were even farther away. So it had to be him.

_Why do I pilot the Eva?_ He had asked the question of Asuka earlier, but had no answer when she threw it back at him. She wants to prove something to the world. _What do I want?_

The Angel was falling faster now, growing larger by the second. If it hit the ground, everyone under it would be killed, and so would so many countless others miles away who weren't even involved in this war. He didn't want them to die. _I'll save them._

"I'm going to make it," he decided, finding a well of courage deep within himself.

As if in answer, the Eva picked up speed and they rapidly closed the distance. The Angel was close enough now that it started to block out the sun, casting a deep red glow across the area, like blood.

"I made it!"

"Extend you're A.T. Field to maximum!" Misato ordered through the communication array.

He did so, the force of the expansion stirred up dust around him. Raising the Eva's hands, he projected the field in a large flat sheet directly above him just in time for the massive eye of the Angel to collide. For a moment, the two A.T. Fields seemed to be in equilibrium, then the Eva shuddered. It wasn't strong enough. The momentum from the fall was carrying the Angel with such immense force, than combined with a strong A.T. Field, was too much for Unit 01.

He felt the barrier stretch and crack.

And then Rei was there in Unit 00, adding her own Field to his. He immediately felt the weight lessen, the pressure on his chest decrease. Eva was able to stand up straight again. Asuka was closing in rapidly. In anticipation, Rei drew her progressive knife and dug in into the foreign A.T. Field, tearing it away like wrapping paper, exposing the red core at the center of the eye.

Then Asuka was there, cutting through the final layer and driving her own knife home, right into the core. The Angel's field vanished, but still it hung there, suspended, like a twisted, nightmarish butterfly.

It exploded.

* * *

><p>Shinji remember only one thing later that night, when he was safely back in his bed: his father's words of praise.<p>

"Good work, Shinji."

He felt conflicted. Those words were what he'd been fighting for this whole time – they're all he'd ever wanted, for his father to praise him, to acknowledge him, right? Even protecting all of those innocent people…it was just a job, but to hear those words…

He remembered his heart sinking, instead of lifting. They weren't what he had been expecting. There was nothing magical about them. The praise meant nothing to him, or not as much as it should have.

But what had he expected? Suddenly everything would be all perfect between them? Suddenly Gendo Ikari would start acting like a real father? Maybe he had; but it wasn't true. Those words were all he ever heard. He didn't even get to see his face. Even when he praised his son, he did so in such an impersonal, cold manner…

Shinji sat up and found himself staring at the bottom drawer of his desk. Taped to the back, pressed against the wall, was the Death Note. He retrieved it and held it before him without removing the cross of tape.

_If I wrote in it, would he come back?_


	4. From the Soul

**In Death's Shadow**

**Chapter 4  
><strong>

**From the Soul**

* * *

><p>Asuka hadn't joined them for dinner. Well, she had shown up for her food, taken it, and retreated back into her room, leaving Misato alone with Shinji. Twenty minutes in, and neither had said anything to the other. Shinji absently picked at his food, keeping his gaze low.<p>

"Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?"

"No," he replied softly.

"Look, Shinji, I know I'm not your mother," she tried desperately. "But I care about what happens to you. I want to be the person you can talk you."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Is it about earlier?"

* * *

><p>A dozen graphs and charts illuminated the Pribnow Box, a different language entirely for those not well versed in physics, psychology, biology, and cybernetics. Misato caught only the briefest of glances into the complex world of the Evangelions. But the one language that everyone understood was the language of bar graphs. The higher the bar, the better the score; the lower the bar, the worse the score. However, one bar in particular was behaving erratically.<p>

"I don't understand," Ritsuko mumbled. "His synch scores haven't improved in some time. In fact, I think they're down from last time. Double check that for me, Maya."

"Yes ma'am. His scores are down, but not significantly – and they have not improved since…they caught the falling Angel. Do you think that has any significance?"

She drummed her fingers on the keys lightly. "No, I don't think so. But still – bring up all records surrounding Shinji on that day, if you would, Maya."

"Yes ma'am."

But Misato wasn't so easily fooled. She saw the way the synchronization graphs jockeyed and vied for the top position. Every time it seemed that Shinji's score surpassed Asuka's, it fell sharply and gradually climbed its way back up. Both Rei and Asuka maintained relatively stable scores; only Shinji's experienced the jumpy rise and fall. Ritsuko and Maya couldn't see it because they didn't believe that any of the children had conscious control over their synch rates, and from the looks of it, they didn't.

Still, Shinji was trying to keep his down.

So she confronted him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She caught him after he finished changing out of his plugsuit.

"Uh, leaving?"

"Don't get smart with me. I know you're messing with your synch tests."

"That's crazy," he laughed, an empty, cold laugh. "We can't control synchronization with the Eva. Not directly." He tried to brush past her but she shoved him back.

"You're not a very good liar, Shinji. Especially not to me. Why are you doing it?"

"I'm not." There wasn't much conviction behind those two words.

"Is it for Asuka? Are you trying not to make her angry?"

"Of course not. I'm doing the best I can, Misato."

She wasn't sure what did it: the terrible lying, the empty smile he told it with, or what, but suddenly she had him by the collar, off the ground.

"I don't know what your problem is, but this isn't a game! People's lives are at stake here and you're deliberately underperforming because you want some girl to like you? No matter what you think, there's a war going on, and at any moment, we could all die. You and Rei and Asuka are the only things keeping the world from going to hell, so we don't have time for this teenage bullshit!"

He looked at her, ever so slightly, the barest of eye movements, but the look conveyed such a message that Misato let him drop to the ground and backed away. She hardly noticed his departure as she braced herself against the wall, one hand coming up to cover her face and the tears that began to well. She noticed it was shaking.

"He hates me."

* * *

><p>"I'm finished." He stood, gathered his plates, and dropped them in the sink. She called his name again, but he ignored her. She thought that just because she wasn't wearing her bomber jacket, she was a different person; that she could pretend she hadn't yelled at him?<p>

"Shinji, I – "

"You don't care," he cut her off. It wasn't quite a snap, but a cold statement of fact. "You just want me to pilot the Eva, that's all. That's all anybody really wants from me."

"No, that's not – "

"It's okay. Really." He left her there at the table, the gentle thud of the door a curt dismissal. He dropped into bed and felt around under his blanket for the black notebook and held to his chest like a talisman of protection. Every few minutes he would flip through the blank pages, pause as if thinking of a name, and close the book again.

* * *

><p>Asuka appeared from her room almost immediately, casting her head back and forth. "Is he gone?"<p>

"Yeah…he's shut himself in his room," Misato said gloomily. "And I don't know what to do."

"You should call Kaji," Asuka suggested, barely bothering to disguise her affection for the man almost twice her age. "He'll know what to do."

"I don't think Kaji would know what to do in this matter," the other mumbled. "Although I just might have to. I don't know what to do, Asuka. The last time Shinji was like this, he ran away, but – "

"What! Stupid Shinji actually ran away?" She had never heard that before, and the idea genuinely surprised her; the Third Child didn't strike her as the type with enough confidence to actually run away. Of course it was more like cowardice, but still.

"Keep your voice down."

"What? It's not like he can't hear us anyway." If there was one thing she had learned, it was the Shinji was very good at listening, even if he never gave any indication he was even aware of other people around him.

"That's why I – never mind." Misato downed another beer and slumped in her chair. "Do _you _have any ideas?"

"About Shinji? As if I care what he does."

"Asuka…"

Something stopped her from walking away. Maybe it was the sheer desperation in Misato's voice. Maybe it was the memory of that nice moment they had shared before Misato's promotion party. Or maybe it was just good, old fashioned kindness. Either way, she found herself saying, "It's probably his imaginary friend."

"His…what?"

"You haven't heard him? He talks to himself when he thinks nobody can hear. But ever since they day of the blackout, I haven't heard him doing it anymore."

"He…talks to himself. Shows how much I pay attention. Will you talk to him for me?"

"Will I what? No! Absolutely not!"

"Please, Asuka; I'll owe you big time."

"That's right you will – hey wait, I didn't agree to – " But it was too late. Misato shoved her down the hall, opened the door, pushed her in, and shut it behind her, leaving Asuka standing awkwardly while Shinji lay curled away from her.

* * *

><p>"Alright, idiot, Misato wants me to make you stop being depressed, so let's go." Shinji ignored the command, though finding a mix of humor and agitation in it. "Come on, you can't stay in here forever."<p>

She crossed the distance and shook him, not roughly, but not gently either. "Get up, stupid." She shook him again, harder. "You're starting to piss me off, you know." Another shake. "You think you're the only one who has it hard? I have to pilot the Eva, too you know! I didn't have a mother growing up either, and I've been a solider since I was four, so stop thinking you're so special!"

The final shake was enough to bring spin him partway over, so that he lay on his back, the Death Note clutched to his chest. His eyes found hers and they shared a long look.

"Asuka," he croaked out. "Help me."

A blank expression wavered on her face for a moment, before it deepened into a scowl. "God, you're so pathetic! Stop moping and just get up already. What good does it do you to sit here feeling sorry for yourself? It makes _you_ look stupid and pisses _me_ off. Misato might baby you, but I sure as hell won't." She took a defiant stance and put her hands on her hips. "If you don't get up right now, I'm dragging you out of bed myself."

She waited.

Very slowly, he sat up, still holding onto the Death Note, and slid his feet to the ground.

"There. Was that so hard?" She didn't wait for an answer, turning on her heels and making for the door.

"Asuka…thank you."

When she looked back over her shoulder, he thought maybe he saw a small smile – which disappeared behind his door.

* * *

><p>Misato had no idea what Asuka had said or done to Shinji, but whatever it was, it worked. Immediately. He appeared to pick up the dishes he had left and made it through the next breakfast without moping. Perhaps even more remarkable was the noticeable drop in the hostility between Asuka and Shinji. She denied it when asked, of course, but didn't alter the behavior. They continued to argue as they had before, but they were a different kind of argument, the kind of arguments that siblings have – no real hostility, just a halfhearted disagreement that they felt like arguing over.<p>

It would have been heartwarming if he had acted that way towards Misato, as well. But no. Shinji never warmed back up to his guardian, giving her the cold shoulder, speaking icily to her – when he spoke to her at all. He didn't shoot her any dirty looks after the incident, but never smiled at her, adopting a thin-lipped, neutral expression.

"He'll warm up to you again," Ritsuko assured her one night when they went out for drinks. "He just needs time."

"I don't think so, Ritsu," she said through slightly slurred words. "I basically screamed at him to stop being a child. He must hate me." She finished her drink and buried her face in her arm.

"He doesn't hate you."

"You didn't see his eyes. It was so…I've never seen anyone look at me like that. There was such coldness in them, and pain and betrayal. Like he didn't believe I cared about him anymore."

Ritsuko shrugged and swirled her drink – her first one; Misato was on her third. "He's still only a child, Misato. Kids and adults fight; it's sort of nature that we do. I know my mother and I fought when I was a teenager." And I won in the end, she added silently.

"That's the problem." Misato signaled for another drink. "He's only a kid and we're shouldering him with the responsibility of adults." She downed most of it at once. "And look at us: we're not exactly the best role models for them."

Ritsuko couldn't argue with that. "Well, here's to being a lousy role model." They clinked their classes and drank.

* * *

><p>"Remind me again what the point of this is?" Asuka's voice sounded over the communications array. Normally, a video screen would appear on the side of the viewing area of the entry plug displaying the other pilots, but considering the circumstances, he assumed that feature had been disabled.<p>

Ritsuko's patient voice answered, "If you remember, Asuka, the object of this test is to determine your synch ratio without the aid of plugsuits."

"I get that, but why do we have to be naked?"

"This is a bare-bones synchronization test – no pun intended. We want to see how much you can synch with your Evas without any external aid."

Asuka grumbled something but otherwise stopped complaining. Shinji didn't like this test either, but for another reason. Being in the Simulation Body felt different than Unit 01 – foreign, uncomfortable. It seemed odd to think, but compared to the Evangelion, the simulation Body felt…hollow.

* * *

><p>"Looks good," Ritsuko muttered to those assembled; she had switched the communication array off. She could hear chatter from the pilots, but they couldn't hear her. "Shinji's scores seem to have stabilized since last time."<p>

"His mood's improved, too," Misato supplied. "Ever since Asuka yelled at him, he's been almost back to normal."

"Speaking of Asuka, her scores have actually improved. She's now the top scoring pilot." She switched on the communications. "Congratulations, Asuka. You're scores are the best yet."

"That'll stroke her ego," Misato rolled her eyes.

"Take a look at this, sir." Shigeru Aoba beckoned Kozo Fuyutsuki over and pulled up a video image of a section of the wall.

"Looks like corrosion," Makoto Hyuga extrapolated. "Probably trapped air bubbles."

"Is it serious?"

"Probably not, sir."

"Make sure the problem gets fixed tomorrow," Fuyutsuki replied.

Hyuga passed the information along to Maya, who turned and presented it to Dr. Akagi. "It looks like corrosion in the protein wall. Should we abort the test?"

"We can't just stop this test because of a minor technical issue. We're going forward. Connect the Simulation Bodies to the Evangelions.

* * *

><p>Shinji had been sitting in relative silence for almost fifteen minutes before the alarms started going off. The communication channels suddenly filled with a dozen different voices all yelling at the same time. A scream pierced through it all. He knew that scream. It was Rei.<p>

"Contamination!"

"Sever the arm!"

The sound of an Eva's arm being severed sounded too human for comfort. Rei screamed again, but a more sudden yelp of pain. A popup screen showed her clutching her arm and trying not to cry out. Asuka tried to shout over the noise but her voice was lost in the cacophony.

And then everything went quiet.

All the links to the other pilots were severed, displaying only static and emitting a low buzz. No one from the Pribnow Box was responding either. Dim red lights painted everything the color of blood, which made Shinji squirm in his seat, remembering he was nude. Eventually he switched off the pilot feeds, so he sat in quiet darkness.

"I'm alone again."

His breath caught in his throat and he started hyperventilating, taking short, quick gulps of LCL. A few stray air bubbles floated lazily to the top, reminding him of the liquid surrounding him, and in the light, they appeared as drops of blood.

It didn't even smell the same as Unit 01. In there, he felt safe, secure, and warm. It was an odd sensation that he couldn't really explain. Why would he feel so safe inside a giant war machine? No, he thought, shaking his head. It can't be a machine. Even he wasn't that naïve.

Evangelions bled.

Evangelions had eyes.

Evangelions had teeth.

Evangelions weren't machines. They were monsters. So why did he feel so safe inside one?

"Because it keeps me safe."

But here, in the Simulation Bodies, he felt none of that. Here, he felt isolated, a stranger in a strange land. The silence and darkness was oppressive, crushing, and consuming.

* * *

><p>He wasn't allowed to brood for long, however. Within forty minutes, the links were reestablished and Ritsuko's voice confirmed that the threat had been contained and eliminated. Asuka's voiced demanded to know whether it was an Angel or not. She received a vague "We aren't sure yet."<p>

"It might be connected to whatever group caused the blackout."

Somehow, Shinji doubted that.

* * *

><p>"Rei, are you okay?"<p>

She paused, as if unsure of how to respond, but slowly turned to meet Shinji. "I am alright, why do you ask?"

"Well, back in the Simulation body, they severed the arm. That must have hurt."

Her eyes narrowed and, very slightly, darted to and fro, as if looking around him for someone. "You are…alone."

Self-consciously, he looked back over his shoulder. "Huh?"

"It is nothing." After a moment, she realized that wasn't a sufficient answer. "The pain was only temporary. However, it is always a shock when something like that occurs. I did survive a positron beam from the Fifth Angel, did I not?"

Her face barely changed, and it took Shinji a moment to realize this was Rei's attempt at a joke. He chuckled anyway - or maybe because of the terrible pacing. "You did. You protected me. Thanks again for that."

"Oh, no, it was nothing."

"And you did take the full force of the Ninth Angel's acid…wow, you've really taken a beating in Unit 00."

She blushed and turned away. Why was she embarrassed? "I will endure any pain, as long as I can protect – "

"Rei?"

"Please excuse me." Without turning, she walked off. Shinji called her name but she ignored him, taking corners at random until she had placed sufficient distance between them, and collapsed against a wall.

_What is this?_

"Rei."

His voice was like a lightning strike that caused her to stand up straight instantly. "Commander Ikari."

He seemed to consider her for a moment, a question formed on his lips, but he let it fade. "You are looking well after the Simulation Body's was severed."

"It was nothing, sir." She felt a blush.

"I'm glad to see you're alright." He laid a hand on her shoulder for a brief instant, and left her there in a few quick steps.

Now she fell back again.

_It's the same. The both…make me feel the same inside. Ikari and Ikari. What do I do? I don't know what to do. Who would know what to do? There isn't anyone for me to ask._

* * *

><p>"I think everyone at NERV is perverted," Asuka declared later that day. "I mean seriously! What kind of test is that? Making us get naked and synch." Misato had dropped them off and returned to NERV to deal with the paperwork involved in the day's "incident".<p>

Shinji took it upon himself to prepare a dinner that wasn't microwaved. Pen-pen appeared from his room, scratched at his rear end, and waddled over to see what was cooking.

"Nothing fancy," Shinji answered the penguin's unspoken question. "See?"

"Are you talking to yourself again?" she yelled from the other room.

"No, just Pen-pen."

"That's just as bad! He can't understand you."

Shinji looked down at the hot springs penguin that, in turn, looked back up at him. They shared a strange moment of connection before breaking off, Shinji returning to his food and Pen-pen to his penguin things. _Yeah, he definitely understands me._

After a few minutes of silence, Asuka appeared in the kitchen, wearing her loose t-shirt and low-cut shorts, and seated herself. When she wasn't piloting, or wearing her school uniform, she dressed sort of like Misato, Shinji observed. He only ever wore his school uniform; it was comfortable. But he thought about Asuka's attire (and felt himself turn red) and realized she hadn't dressed like that until a week or so after moving in.

"I haven't seen Kaji in a while," the redhead lamented. "I wonder what he's doing."

"He's probably working," Shinji replied levelly.

"I know that," she snapped. "But couldn't he make a little time to see me? After all, I did live with him for a few years in Berlin."

_Yeah, and he passed you off as soon as he could._

"Misato isn't home that much either, Asuka. I think NERV has them pretty busy, especially with all the Angel attacks recently. And the blackout. And…whatever happened today."

He set the table for them and Pen-pen, who hopped up into the third chair usually reserved for Misato. He seemed disappointed to not have a beer with dinner but Shinji wasn't going to give the penguin any alcohol; somehow, that didn't seem right.

"I suppose," Asuka conceded, shoving food into her mouth.

They passed most of their dinner in silence. Shinji barely ate and ended up passing his leftovers to Asuka and Pen-pen.

"Don't you think today was weird?" he asked finally.

"Do you even listen? That's what I was complaining about earlier."

"No, not that. I mean…the alarms. The incident they won't talk about." His eyes narrowed and felt his grip on the tea glass tighten. "Rei's scream."

"What's got you moody all of a sudden? You're not going to go back to moping around in bed again, are you?" Her efforts to goad him failed, so she sighed. "A little, I guess. You'd think they would have told us what happened while we were in the Simulation Bodies – I think they owed us that much at least."

"I didn't like it in the Simulation Body."

"Don't be a baby. It was just like being in an Eva."

Abruptly, she rose, bumping the table on her way out, and leaving all her dirty dishes for someone else to do. Pen-pen watched her go and turned to Shinji with an inquisitive "Wark?"

"It's alright," he assured the bird. "I'll clean up."

* * *

><p><em>Mountain…Heavy mountain. Things that change over time.<em>

_Sky…Blue sky. What your eyes can't see. What your eyes can see._

_Sun…A unique object._

_Water…Something comforting. Commander Ikari._

_Flowers…So many of the same…And so many unneeded._

_Sky…Red, red sky. The color red. I hate the color red._

_Water flowing._

_Blood…The smell of blood. A woman who never bleeds._

_Man made from soil._

_Man made from man and woman._

_City…A human creation._

_Eva…A human creation._

_What is a human? A creation of God?_

_I man a human creation?_

_The things I possess are a life and a soul. I am a vessel for a soul._

_Entry plug, the throne for a soul._

_Who is this? This is me._

_Who am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? What am I?_

_I am myself. This object is me._

_This is the me that can be seen, yet I feel as though I am not myself._

_Very strange. I feel as if my body is melting._

_I can no longer see myself. My shape is fading. _

_I feel the presence of someone who is not me._

_Is there someone there, beyond this?_

_Ikari. _

_I know this person. Major Katsuragi._

_Doctor Akagi._

_Everyone. Classmates._

_The pilot of Unit 02._

_Commander Ikari?_

_Who are you?_

_Who are you?_

_Who are you?_

* * *

><p>"How are you feeling, Rei?"<p>

Rei Ayanami slowly opened her eyes. Through the polarized LCL, she could see the inside of the entry plug. Unit 01's entry plug. "I feel alright, Dr. Akagi."

"That's good to hear. You're synchronization scores don't appear to be significantly affected by the exchange. If necessary, we can have you pilot Unit 01."

"Yes. I would like that." When the comm link was severed, she whispered to herself, "It smells like Ikari…Shinji." Blood flushed her face and a smile eked out across her face.

"Are you alright, Rei?" The comm link returned severely. "You're heart rate jumped and your surface body temperature…" Doctor Akagi trailed off, as if realizing what was happening. She head Major Katsuragi snickering in the background, which only made her blush more.

"It's alright, Rei." That was Katsuragi. "I won't tell anyone." She giggled again and severed the link, leaving Rei to stew in the LCL. Embarrassment. She had never felt it before, not even when Shinji saw her naked at her apartment. It was foreign, but she relished in it anyway.

"I am human."

She waited while they prepped Shinji for a contact experiment in Unit 00. The thought if that made her…not quite uncomfortable, but she squired in her seat anyway. She had always considered Unit 00 to be a part of her, the other half of her person. And now someone else was there, inside that other half of her soul.

Ikari was inside her. She flushed more and realized her breath was shallow and would have been sweating if not for the LCL.

And then she saw it, the thing that no one else could ever see. It descended through the ceiling like a ghost, or a spirit and looked around, apparently unfamiliar with the scene. Then it started heading towards her – towards Unit 01, she realized.

"Hey, you in there, kid?"

The black, winged thing made a short loop around the head. "That _is_ you in there, right?" Not waiting for an answer, it flew forward until it passed through the layers or plate armor, through the synthetic flesh, past the internal organs, until its head appeared within the entry plug, unaffected by the LCL.

Rei let out an involuntary gasp.

"Hehehe, wrong floor." It started to retreat, stopped, and came all the way in. "You…you can see me, can't you?" Rei didn't answer, but her shocked expression said it all. "Yeah, that's right. I remember. You always glanced at me when you thought Shinji wasn't looking. You're the only one, aren't you? So why can you see me? Have you touched the Death Note?"

It wasn't fear Rei felt, although that was the closest approximation her body would produce. No, it was something even _more_ primal. A recognition that reverberated in the very core of her soul, deep where _she_ resided. This was such an ancient and powerful identification that her mind could scarcely withstand the flux that occurred within her.

"**I know you**", she said with another's voice. "**You are one of them, the others. Your mother arrived on this world while Adam and I fought for the right to its future. I've felt your kind among my children, I know that you bring death to the world, and I know what you do with their souls.**"

The thing – the Shinigami, she knew – waited eagerly, a wide Glasgow smile and eyes alight with the fire of a hundred eager suns. Unit 01 groaned with displeasure. It shifted within its constraints like trying to scratch an itch deep within.

Rei laughed with another's laugh. "**But you are as ignorant of your lineage as my children. You don't know what happens to a soul when it's taken by a Shinigami, do you Perhaps ignorance is, as my children say, bliss. Or maybe they were right to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.**" Her laugh became harsh. "**Begone, Shinigami. I will have no dealings with the children of Azrael.**"

The presence retreated back down with such force that Rei felt ill after regaining control of her body. The Shinigami waited there a moment, chuckling happily. "I'll be seeing you again, Rei Ayanami. After such an interesting visit, how can I resist?"

He disappeared from the entry plug, from Unit 01, and finally from the room. Rei's entire body ached as if she had run a marathon; it hurt to breathe. Tears flowed of their own volition and she was sick in the LCL. Darkness rushed to meet her.

* * *

><p>Shinji came awake suddenly, staring, once again, at the ceiling of the medical ward of NERV. <em>Again? What happened this time?<em> There wasn't an Angel…hadn't been for some time now. The last thing he remembered was the compatibility test in Unit 00. But…nothing. It would come back, he knew, but he feared he might not like the memories.

"Man you really took a beating that time, kid, hehehe."

That voice. Shinji bolted up, forgetting the caution he had previously used when dealing with this particular individual. Sure enough, there he was, lounging weightlessly at the foot of the bed, one hand supporting his head, the other scratching his belly.

"What are you doing here, Ryuk?"

"Is that anyway to treat an old friend?"

"You're not my friend," Shinji responded harshly. "You disappeared without a word and now you show up like nothing happened?" Realizing he was talking rather loudly, he shut up and la back down. Ryuk lazily hovered over him.

"I'm not obligated to be with all the time, you know. I'm haunting you, not your babysitter." He picked at something in his ear, inspected it, and flicked it away. It clearly didn't bother the Shinigami that he had been M.I.A. for…Shinji hadn't counted the days. It felt like a long time, but probably wasn't.

"Where were you?" He asked slowly, attempting to fall back into the discreet pattern of speech they had established. All areas of NERV were wired with cameras and he wasn't optimistic enough to think that the medical ward was any exception. Hopefully, they weren't equipped for picking up audio.

"The Shinigami Realm," he said casually. "Had some things to investigate. Didn't get far, though. Shinigami aren't the most talkative types, not anymore."

"Does that include you?"

"You got snippy while I was away, kid. Hehehe, what happened? Your girlfriend dump ya?"

"Doesn't matter." Shinji turned over in his bed, so he faced the far wall. "Since you were watching me, what…what happened during the test?"

Ryuk scratched his head. "Well, I'm not one for technical, but by the time I got there, the people started yelling about numbers and pulses and synchronization. Then the blue robot broke free and started bashing its head against the wall. You don't remember any of that?"

"No. It happened before, when I first got in Unit 01. When I fought the first Angel…I blacked out and Eva took over…it killed the Angel without my help." Shinji curled up tighter. "Leave me alone, Ryuk."

"Whatever, hehehe. In case you're wondering, Asuka's outside your door, and Rei's in the infirmary."

Shinji didn't respond, so Ryuk shrugged and left.

* * *

><p>For all its intricacy, NERV was a lot of empty space. Or maybe it just felt that way to Ryuk and he nonchalantly drifted through the complex. When you were confined to two legs, it was easy to get lost, but for Ryuk, walls and ceilings were but a gentle gust of wind he could pass through without much effort. All of NERV was laid out before him, all of its secrets but a hairsbreadth away. But what could a Shinigami do with such knowledge at his fingertips?<p>

Not much, not when he couldn't interact with the mortal realm except for the Death Note holder and anyone else that touched it. So Shinji and Rei. Two people. Shinji was a bore who ignored him, so that just left Rei. Todays' encounter had been very exciting, made even more potent after the long journey to and from the Shinigami King's lair.

But who was this Azrael that she had mentioned? The named rang a bell, somewhere in the distance, obscured by the crashing waves of time. And angel, perhaps? Not the monstrous assailants of Tokyo-3, but in the Judeo-Christian sense.

Death. To the best of his knowledge, Azrael was the personification of death in Western cultures, much like Shinigami in the East. "Looks like I win," he quipped. "Since I'm real and they're not." But still…when Rei spoke it hadn't been her. He remembered that presence, but less active. In fact, he felt it now, radiating from deep within the earth. Terminal Dogma, but the labeling of this base. Supposedly the most secure area in the entire complex – and he had just dropped in. He laughed at the thought of undermining the greatest of humanity's endeavors. It paid to be a supernatural creature sometimes.

He drifted into the cafeteria area, alive with the low hum of a dozen different conversations. Aside from Shinji, humans were a noisy bunch. They never seemed to enjoy being alone, and went to great lengths to prevent this. It was something he had observed ever since the first _Australopithecus africanus_ family huddled under a rock to avoid a rainstorm. It was better to be surrounded by people you hate than not have anyone around you at all.

But above it all, he felt a presence both familiar and alien. Alien because he was not used to feeling it in this realm, and familiar because, well, it was another Shinigami. And she wasn't had to find, either. Like him, she was humanoid, but more of a cross between a skeleton and a mummy. She saw him the same time he saw her.

"I thought I felt another Shinigami in here," she remarked as she flew up to his level. "I should have known it would be you."

"Oh?" Ryuk tilted his head. "Hehehe, have we met?"

"Not physically, but the Shinigami back home talk about you. You stole a Death Note from the Shinigami king and dropped it here on purpose."

"Hehehe, that's impossible. You can't steal from the King of Death. And it's illegal to drop it on purpose."

"I don't think that's true, but whatever. You're Ryuk right?"

"And you?"

"Rem. But look, I'm not here to be friendly. Actually, I'm warning you to stay away from me. I don't care about you or whatever scheme you've got going here, so I want to ignore us as well."

"Aw, but that's no fun." He scanned the crowd for the one person whose name and lifespan he couldn't read. It was a woman. "Interesting, Rem."

"And I don't I have to remind you that you are forbidden from revealing the my Death Note holder's identity to yours."

"No, no, of course not. Still, kind of interesting that we both ended up haunting NERV employees, eh?"

Rem studied him, shook her head, and flew away.

"Looks like I came back at the perfect time, hehehe. All sorts of interesting things are going down on Earth."


	5. Setting the Pieces

**In Death's Shadow**

Chapter Five: Setting the Pieces

* * *

><p>From the relative comfort of a VTOL, Nerv Commander Gendo Ikari and Vice Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki observed the Ashi lakes, three in total; two hadn't existed earlier that year. It was a more tactile reminder of the Angels than Tokyo-3. The city could be rebuilt – in fact, it was designed to do so – but the lakes…terraforming was not as simple as city planning. Kozo Fuyutsuki, however, was focused on a more personal consequence of the Angel War, as it was coming to be known.<p>

"I don't like this, Ikari," Vice Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki folded his arms in contemplation. The security camera feed was locked into a loop, showing a bed-ridden Shinji seemingly conversing with an unseen phantom. "And Section 2 confirms he does this often, talks to himself when he thinks no one is around."

"For what purpose have you brought this to my attention, Fuyutsuki?" Gendo Ikari asked levelly. His tone carried a warning, one he frequently used on his subordinates, one that implied dire consequences. But Fuyutsuki wasn't just a subordinate. Even as Vice Commander (technically a rank lower) Fuyutsuki occupied a particular place in Gendo Ikari's schema, one that carried a healthy dose of mutual respect.

"Because if your son is hearing voices, then he has more issues that we anticipated. Its one thing that he saw his mother get…taken by the same machine he's piloting now, repressed or not, but this…this is a real – "

"Fuyutsuki, Section 2 reported this to me some weeks ago, and I have already reviewed the necessary information and deemed it irrelevant to his status as a pilot."

"Irrelevant to the – just how long have you been following your son, Ikari?"

"That depends on what you mean. How long have I had Section 2 following him? Or how long have I been watching him? The answer is: since the contact experiment." It took Fuyutsuki a moment to realize that he meant the contact experiment between Yui and an incomplete Unit 01. "He is, and always was, the pilot for Unit 01. Regular status updates were necessary for the survival of the Evangelion Project."

"You expect me to believe you've had Shinji trailed for nine years?"

"Is that so hard to fathom? Seele shadow extends far and wide. Is it such a stretch to imagine that my son's _sensei_ was a Seele agent?"

"Don't dodge the issue, Ikari. Shinji is obviously stressed to the point of breaking. If he's hearing voices, then...then…" He exhaled sharply and shook his head. "I don't want to find out what a mentally unstable teenager could do with an Evangelion at his disposal!"

"Shinji's psychographs have proved relatively stable and his synchronization scores have improved significantly since arriving at Nerv." Gendo adjusted his glasses and met Kozo's eyes. "I don't want to hear any more about it, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki."

_He just pulled rank on me_.

"Fine, then. Has Rei returned from Antarctica?"

"She comes bearing the Lance of Longinus." As he spoke, he brought up a video feed of Rei impaling the Giant of Terminal Dogma with it. The stunted legs that had been torn off to form Unit 01 grew back in a series of bulging tumor-like growths as soon as the Giant was impaled. Fuyutsuki closed his eyes and shuddered, thinking only of Yui's fate. "The scenario is falling neatly into place."

"So it seems. The old men don't trust you much anymore, you know. Especially not after the…Magi incident." It wasn't officially classified as an Angel incident, although everyone knew the truth. He suspected Seele did as well, although Nerv denied any sort of incident.

"I am aware of this. They've reduced our budget yet again, but we are still able to push forward regardless. We are also in the process of selecting the Fourth Child."

"How's that going? Still have to jump through the hoops, don't we?"

"Indeed. We have to keep up appearances via the Marduk Institute, although the contact experiment for Evangelion Unit 03 occurred some time ago. As of now, the Suzuhara boy is being fast-tracked to the top of the candidacy list."

Fuyutsuki sighed resignedly. "So much red tape we have to go through, just to save the world. That reminds me, what do plan to do about our Special Investigator?"

"Let him continue. He can't sneeze without alerting Section 2."

_Always three steps ahead, aren't you, Ikari?_

* * *

><p>"This is boring," Ryuk complained.<p>

"I never said you had to stay," Shinji muttered. There were still a few kids around, so there was enough of a low hum that his whispering went unnoticed. It was almost comical. Shinji was busy stacking chairs and Ryuk was sitting on the very stacks. Every time he put a chair up, Ryuk lazily phased through it and elevated himself to the new top.

"But then I'd be home alone, which is even more boring. The only one there anymore is the penguin and I don't think he can see me…"

"You're…not sure?"

"That penguin is scary smart sometimes, man."

Shinji rolled his eyes. Pen pen was just a penguin. A weird, genetically engineered penguin, but still just a penguin. He sighed and moved on top helping wipe down the desks. If it weren't for Ryuk, this cleaning would have been a good, mind-numbing activity to clear his head. Alas, things were never as easy with a Shinigami for a shadow.

"Scared of a warm-water penguin?"

"Bah." Ryuk waved his hand dismissively and flexed a wing. That was more or less a signal that he was done talking with Shinji, so he turned his gaze, observing the other students still cleaning up the classroom. He acknowledged the others absently, but his eyes fixed squarely on Rei, wringing out a wet cloth. Against his will, an image of his mother replaced her. She chose that moment to glance up at him.

"Ikari? Is there something you need?"

"Ah – no, not…I was just thinking of you. I mean, I saw you and thought of my mother - well, not thought of _my_ mother, but just that you would, ah, make a good mom." He laughed a terrible, awkward laugh. "It's kinda silly, huh?"

"You…think I would be a good mother?"

"Well, sure. Yeah."

"That is…kind of you to say." She smiled again. He hadn't seen her smile in a long time, but it was just as warm an genuine as he remembered. "Thank you, Shinji."

* * *

><p>"What are you looking at, Asuka?"<p>

"Wondergirl and Stupid Shinji." She was supposed to be sweeping the hall, but instead she was peering through the crack between the classroom door and the frame. A very serious look was plastered across her face. Hikari leaned in to have a look and saw Rei and Shinji talking.

"Feeling a little jealous, are we?"

"As if! What do I have to be jealous of? Her? Please. What could Shinji possibly see in an emotionless doll girl like Wondergirl?"

Hikari grinned. _She doesn't even realize that she likes him._ "Well, when you're finished spying, get back to sweeping."

"I wasn't spying," Asuka growled as she turned away and started sweeping again.

"Hey, so what are you doing tonight?"

"There's a synch test at Nerv. Totally boring and a waste of time – I'm just going to get the highest scores again. It's almost not even worth my time." She sighed. "But I can't skip it. Stupid Misato always makes sure we get there on time. Like I can't take care of myself."

"What about tomorrow?"

"Hm. Nothing. Why?"

"Well, I sort of promised my sister's friend you would go on a date with him. She lowered her eyes in apology. "Please say yes! He's an upperclassman – a med student! He's not bad looking, and it's only one date!"

Asuka was about to argue, but stopped, glancing back at the classroom. "Yeah, alright. Tell him he can pick me up after school."

"Oh, thank you, Asuka!" Hikari threw her arms around her friend, but Asuka didn't return the embrace.

* * *

><p>Ritsuko Akagi pressed the button that opened the communication link to the pilots. "Well done, everyone. You've all improve some since last time. Especially you, Asuka. You've retained your lead."<p>

"As expected," she boasted triumphantly. "Guess I'm just naturally talented."

"All those years of military training probably didn't hurt either, huh?" Misato teased.

"They just refined my raw talent."

"I'm sure. Alright, come on out, guys. We're done here."

"What happened kid?" Ryuk pestered. "Last time I saw you, you were the top score. Now it's the redhead, hehehe. What gives?"

Shinji answered by way of a shrug. "She's just a better pilot."

* * *

><p>The elevator pinged a second before the door opened, revealing Shinji. He had that stupid look on his face that he always had when he's just been talking to himself and was trying to hide it. What a terrible liar. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Shinji was a good liar, but only because nobody seemed to suspect that he was capable of being a liar. She huffed and stepped inside; the door closed behind her with a ping.<p>

She took her place at the center of the carriage and faced the analog floor indicator. It struck her as a strange that the elevators used an analog counter instead of digital like every other city in the world. Maybe because Nerv Headquarters was being built right after the Second Impact, when the world was still embroiled in turmoil.

It didn't matter, really. For whatever reason, it pissed her off right now.

She waited. She waited for him to say something. To whisper to his imaginary friend and think she couldn't hear him. She wanted him to do that so she could yell at him. She needed him to do _anything_ so that she could yell at him. What she was yelling about was inconsequential; she was really yelling about seeing him and Rei together.

"What are you so damn quiet all the time for?" she demanded finally.

"Huh?"

"Oh never mind." What had she expected? "Hey, don't bother making dinner for me tomorrow night."

"Why not?"

"Because I have a date, obviously."

"With who?"

"A med-student. Some upperclassman that's a friend of Hikari's sister or something. Sounds like a total snooze-fest, but it's better than sitting at home with you all night."

It took him a long moment to respond. "We'll be alone tomorrow?"

"Duh. Misato and Kaji are going to some wedding. But don't get any funny ideas, you pervert. I won't be there, so it'll be just you and the penguin and your imaginary friend." Again, she waited for a response from the idiot, but never got one. So they rode in silence the rest of the way. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and pressed the next floor button, intending to get off and far away from Stupid Shinji.

Just as she stepped off, she heard him say, "I'll be at my mom's grave anyway." She thought he meant that for his imaginary friend but said it way too loudly for that. But she didn't realize in time, and was only able to glimpse part of his face before the doors shut between them.

"Momma's boy," she muttered before stomping off.

* * *

><p>Yui Ikari's grave was a simply stone marker engraved with her name, date of birth, and death, unremarkable among the seemingly endless sea of identical headstones that reached from horizon to horizon. And yet they'd known exactly where to go, despite the years.<p>

"Three years," Shinji voiced. He knelt down and placed the bouquet of flowers at the marker. "It's been three years since we were here." He kept his gaze fixed on the year of death: 2004. He had been three years old. "That's when I ran away."

Gendo Ikari stood silently by, his face a non-emotive mask.

Shinji tried desperately to recall an image of his mother's face, but failed. "You don't have any pictures." It was as much a statement as a question.

"No," his father responded. "I had them all destroyed. Even this grave is empty. I carry everything in my heart. That will have to be enough."

_Maybe there's a person in there somewhere_, Shinji though. He never spoke like that. Not that it was particularly romantic, but it was more than anyone ever got out of the man. Mother. He couldn't remember her face. He couldn't even remember her voice. What would she tell him to do about Eva? About Asuka? About his father? _Mother, please. I need help._

VTOLS were very loud machines, especially when one lands right behind you. But Shinji barely flinched. He'd heard too many screaming machines lately.

"I have to go," Gendo said simply and walked away.

He hesitated. "Father!"

"Yes?"

But the words faltered on his lips. What was there to say? _I hate you._

Gendo shook his head ever so slightly, a gesture of disappointment, and boarded the VTOL, leaving his son alone at his mother's empty grave, something akin to hate broiling inside him.

* * *

><p>Ryuk made no attempt to disguise his advance on Rem. She shot him an annoyed glance before speaking.<p>

"What are you doing here, Ryuk?" Rem made a point of gliding away from human whenever her Shinigami brethren approached.

"I was bored, Rem." He almost slipped and revealed his Death Note holder. "Didn't need me around for right now. Plus, I was bored. So I came here."

"I told you to stay away." They had drifted away from the main area of Nerv and now hovered in the relatively hollow axis chamber that houses a spaghetti of walkways, elevators and escalators. Their voices echoed, despite not being audible to humans.

"I'm not bothering your hauntee."

"Just me." Suddenly, it all made sense.

"Us Shinigami got to stick together, eh, hehehe."

She stopped suddenly midflight. "What is it you really want, Ryuk?"

He hovered around to her front. "I want to know what the Angels are, Rem. I can see their names like I can see a humans, but no lifespans. I even wrote one's name down in my Death Note, see?" He opened his book and showed her Israfel's name. "But it didn't kill it."

"So, what makes you think I know anything more about them?"

He shrugged. "I don't really, but aren't you curious?"

"No." She brushed past him. "I'm only here because of Gelus and his stupid fascination with that mortal girl."

"So, you're not going to help, then?"

"You're on your own, Ryuk."

He stared after her for a moment before sighing, a largely ceremonial gesture. "Didn't really expect help anyway." Only…he had no idea where to start. With a shrug he decreased his altitude rapidly, phasing through various floors and ceilings, descending several levels of Nerv. Originally, he had planned to stop in the first laboratory area, but got bored and just kept dropping. He fell farther than he'd ever gone before. Rooms stopped appearing, and it just became on long elevator shaft.

"What the…where am I? What is this place?" He flapped his wings and began a more controlled descent. There didn't appear to be anything down this far…but why was there a shaft this deep? Rings of lights marked floors, he supposed, or would have if there were floors to stop on. He kept going and eventually it stopped in a dark hallway. There was only one way to go, so he followed it, passing a sign that read "LCL PRODUCTION PLANT".

"Oh? Never been here before, hehehehe. Let's see what's behind door number 1." He passed through the usually thick doors and emerged…somewhere strange. Beneath him stretched a large pool of an orange looking liquid (LCL if he remembered correctly). Every few seconds, a faint rippled disturbed the otherwise flawless surface. The ripples originated from the far end, where half of a large, white humanoid was nailed to a cross. A large lance-like object protruded from its chest.

"And who are you?" Ryuk interest was at an all-time high and he crossed the distance in record time. A large metallic mask covered the face, embossed with several stylized eyes, three on his left, four on his right. The head seemed slumped over, limp, like it was dead. Well, half of it _was_ missing…and bleeding. And that spear through the chest.

Golden lettering appeared above the sleeping giant, but no symbols he recognized. Ryuk's eyes struggled to adjust to the alien language; it actually hurt his eyes and he was forced to look away.

"Never had that happen, heh." He tried again, but got a similar result. "Does that make you…an Angel?" The lettering refused to become readable, but the glow intensified, forcing Ryuk to shield his eyes.

"Or that." He pressed his claw-like hands to his leathery forehead. Pain? "What is this?"

**!**

* * *

><p>Mid-level alarms went off throughout Nerv, signifying a threat potential less than an Angel, but significantly more than a lone intruder (Ryoji Kaji routinely set off low-level security alarms). Mid-level was a strange gray area where protocol was vague and seldom rehearsed. Maya, Makoto, and Shigeru all exchanged confused looks when the warnings appeared before Makoto managed to dig out his protocol sheet.<p>

Mid-level alerts didn't reach the Commander unless deemed necessary by the ranking officer resent. Misato Katsuragi was away so that meant…

"Doctor Akagi?" Maya suggested.

"No." Shigeru shook his head. "She's not a commissioned officer. I doubt if she's even part of the JSDF."

"But then, without Major Katsuragi…"

"The three of us are the ranking officers."

They shared another look, one of terror, before Makoto spoke up. "Alright then. We can do this. Figure out where the alert originated from." That was easy, since it was presented along with the alarms. "Aoba, shut of these stupid alarms, man. They're giving me a headache."

"Sensors briefly detected the possible presence of…an A.T. Field in…Terminal Dogma…that can't be right." Maya rapidly skimmed through the report the MAGI were feeding to them. "It reached Pattern: Green and cycled through to Sepia before disappearing."

"So not an Angel," Shigeru remarked, having shut off the alarms. "That's good news."

The next fifteen minutes were tense and fruitless. Despite the appearance of an A.T. Field within the deepest regions of the GeoFront, nothing appeared to be out of place. Security cameras failed to produce anything, and no other patterns were detected since. In fact, the actual security risk had only lasted half a second before completely vanishing.

"So what do we do?" Maya finally asked.

"There isn't anything to do," Shigeru responded with a huff. "There isn't anything to report. Sensors detected something they later failed to confirm occurred. Even the MAGI can't make of their minds. Casper and Balthazar keep flip-flopping, and Melchior never reaches a decision." Makoto nodded in agreement. "As far as Nerv is concerned, nothing happened."

"I agree," Hyuga said, arms crossed. "The sensors must have malfunctioned or something."

"You don't sound convinced," Maya observed, still reading the MAGI report.

"No. But. What can we tell the Commander? We found absolutely nothing to report?" He shook his head. "It'd be a waste of his time."

"Besides," Aoba broke in. "We're the ranking officers here. We're in charge."

Maya spun around in her chair. "Then we'll vote." She waited for nods of assent from her teammates. No one seemed to want to vote first – if the MAGI couldn't reach a decision, it seemed unfitting that they should make one.

Makoto spoke first, much to the surprise of Maya. "Fine. I'll say it. We should file this."

"But you just said – "

"I know what I said." He huffed. "But the fact is: something happened to set off the sensors. We don't know what it was, and neither do the MAGI, so I think we need to have the higher-ups look at this." That way it wasn't on them, was the unspoken reasoning.

"There isn't anything for them to look at," Shigeru countered. "We'd be sending them a report stating in so many words that we didn't find a damn thing. Something showed up on the sensors, but it was gone before anything could happen. Everything seems fine. It wasn't an Angel." He shrugged. "It wasn't anything."

That left it up to Maya to make the call. "I agree with…Shigeru. There isn't anything to report."

That was that. The three lieutenants returned to their stations and set everything back to the way it was. In twenty minutes, no evidence remained of the incident. Maya even wiped the MAGI clean, which Makoto though overkill, but kept his mouth shut, choosing instead to a text message to Misato Katsuragi, entitled "Do Not Open until You Are Alone".

* * *

><p>With the evening basically to himself (and Pen-pen) Shinji retrieved his cello from the storage closet. He hadn't touched it since arriving in Tokyo-3. In fact, he hadn't even thought about it since coming to Toky-3, but being at his mom's grave stirred something in him and he desperately needed to get lost in the smooth, steady notes.<p>

He went through the warm-up exercises almost mindlessly, giving up conscious thought and allowing the music to fill his mind. Normally, he'd practice a piece he was working on at the time, but he had forgotten to get his music books, so he settled into a relatively easy tune he'd known for years. After a few stumbles, the rhythms and finger placements returned to him and music filled the apartment.

Sometimes, when he was younger, he used to imagine becoming a famous cellist. Entire concert halls would be packed with patrons who came just to hear him play. Of course, he never had any real talent, only what his teachers in school taught him, and he hadn't had that dream in a long time. But it crept into his mind again. In his fantasy, he wasn't an Eva pilot, Nerv didn't exist, and his mother was still alive. There she was, front row, clapping.

Clapping.

Clapping?

"That was very nice, Shinji."

"Asuka?"

"I didn't know you played." She was still dressed for her date, which shouldn't have ended yet. He studied her for a minute, but determined she wasn't mocking him.

"Yeah," he answered rather sheepishly. "I've been playing since I was 5 or 6. I'm not that good, but…nobody told me to stop playing, so I kinda just kept doing it." Even as he said it, he knew how stupid that sounded.

"A shame," she remarked, moving around to drop her purse on the kitchen table. "With the right teacher, you could have been good." Now that was mockery. A little, at least.

"My teacher tried…" Why had he stopped? He couldn't seem to recall why his teacher had stopped the cello lessons. Because he hadn't been improving, that's why.

"_Well, that's…better," his teacher said. "Keep at that and we'll pick up our lessons once you've mastered this exercise."_

But he never seemed to master it. Or at least, his teacher had never said anything after that. Shinji thought he had improved, but nobody else said that he had. So here he was, 9 years later, and still working on the same exercises. He was never going to progress any further.

Shinji snapped out of his reverie and need to rapidly change the subject off of him. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be on a date?"

Asuka flopped down on the carpet in front of the television. "He was totally boring. Not worth my time." She smiled conspiratorially. "So, I went to ladies room to powder my nose…and slipped out."

"Seems a little mean," he frowned.

"What, you mean you're not happy to see me? You'd rather sit at home all alone with the penguin?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Well, whatever. I'm gonna go change."

* * *

><p>Ryoji Kaji rolled over so that he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Normally, he felt pretty good about himself after this sort of thing, but not this time. This time he felt a mixture of shame, disgust, and guilt. Beside him, the still female form was turned away from him, probably feeling much the same.<p>

"Can I ask you something?" The female body next to him shrugged its shoulders ever so slightly. "Do you see us doing this again in the future?"

She answered with a question of her own. "Let me ask you something: is this really just about the information, or am I a substitute for Major Katsuragi?"

He winced. "You cut right to the marrow, don't you?" He swung around over the edge of the Western-style raised bed; it was better for this sort of thing. One foot brushed his pants, which he considered pulling on, but felt that would be in bad taste.

"I didn't think you were into my type, Lieutenant Ibuki," he remarked, finding his usual flippant attitude an uncomfortable fit.

"And what type is that, Kaji?" she asked with a hint of bitterness.

"Men."

Maya turned fiercely towards him, searching for signs of mockery, but the lack of a grin on his face proved his seriousness.

"Easy. I'm not making fun of you. I'm really not."

He seemed to be telling the truth, "How'd you know?"

"Come now, I think I've been with enough women to know when one is faking it, hm?"

Maya flushed. "Was I that obvious?"

"No." Finally, he cracked a grin. "In fact, you were very good. I almost believed it myself. I'd guess you've had some experience. Adolescence must have been rough. But I've seen the way you look at Ritsuko."

Now she sat up, at first keeping the sheet pulled up to her neck, but she let it fall away after considering it – he'd already seen her anyway, it was no time to feign modesty. "A lot of girls, huh?"

"Well, I always fancied myself a James Bond-type, even before I met Katsuragi. It just so happens that I fell in with the right crowd."

Maya shook her head slowly. "You're good at that."

"What's that?"

"You're good at playing like you're this carefree guy who sleeps around – and it works because people forget that you're the Nerv Special Investigator, and an agent of the Japanese government. Am I right?"

"Was I that obvious?"

Now it was her turn to smile. "Nerv is an intricate web of lies and secrets, Kaji. You don't get very far without encountering a mess of them. Sometimes the best thing to do is to pretend like you can't see through the façade, even when you're staring the truth right in the face."

"I never pegged you for a cynic like me, Lieutenant. Was I wrong in thinking you an optimist?"

"It's hard to be an optimist these days, Kaji."

He heard her rustling around and knew she was putting her clothes back on, a reversal of the situation he was normally in. "I don't think we should do this again," he said suddenly. When he turned around, she was totally dressed and sliding the last arm through her Nerv employee jacket.

"What if I need – ?"

"Everything you require is on that drive. Everything I could get without alerting security, although if I know Nerv, they were aware of my theft the whole time and let me get away with it." He saw the alarm on her face. "They won't trace it to you. Likely they'll get to me, kill me, and be done with the whole ordeal. Nerv and Seele and both like that."

Maya clutched the USB drive to her breast. "Thank you," she said with some effort.

"Can you tell me why you needed it so badly? I trust you're aware that she's sleeping with him."

"I've known for a while now. She never says it outright, but she lets slip details. Little things that, when added up, only match one person."

Kaji sighed. "Then I wish you best of luck, Lieutenant. Say, I've got a wedding to go to later, would you like to be my date?"

But she was already at the door. "I don't think so."

"I heard there was a security breach earlier," Kaji attempted to keep her there longer.

"You heard wrong." She disappeared through the door and slammed it behind her.

He felt back, staring at the ceiling again. "When did I sink this low?" he wondered to himself. "Trading sex for information…she doesn't even look like Katsuragi." And suddenly he found himself wondering what Asuka would think of him right now. "She'd call me a pervert and then pout that I didn't offer my bed to her. God, I'm disgusting."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Shinji. You wanna kiss me?<p>

The question was so completely out of nowhere that, while he heard the words, he failed to register them at first. When he finally did, all he managed with a stunted "Wha?"

"A kiss," she repeated patiently. "You've never kissed before, right?"

"Uh." He shook his head dumbly.

She suppressed a smile. He was so stupid. She could get him to do anything if she had the mind. "Well then let's do it. You're not scared, are you?"

Determination filled his face. "No, of course not. I'm not scared!"

They stood up at more or less the same time, each one determined not to back down. He immediately regretted hid decisions. His legs became gelatin and very nearly buckled under his own weight. Somehow, he remained upright, but his mouth became dry ("No, not now!") and his heart proceeded to bash itself against his rib cage in a desperate attempt to free itself from the biological prison

_She seems so calm_, he noticed. _She's not even fazed by this at all. Maybe I should be more like her._

He blinked and they were face to face, almost touching. He swallowed hard against the dryness in his mouth. Asuka's eye failed to betray whatever it was she might have been thinking at the time. Oddly, he felt more isolated at that moment than he had in a long time.

"Ready?" He nodded. "Okay, here I go." She stepped even closer, a feat he had long since deemed impossible. Her nose passed his and almost touched his cheek. Eyes closed involuntarily and reopened after a few seconds had passed.

"What's wrong?" he asked warily.

"Your nose-breath tickles."

"Uh, sorry?"

"Cut it out." She reached up with her hand to pinch his nose; he caught her hand in his.

"Hey, don't do that. I won't be able to breathe." He didn't push her hand away; rather he held it there, savoring the contact.

"Then stop breathing on me, stupid." She tugged her hand away. He mentally willed himself to breathe less. Asuka nodded again, and licker her lips. "Alright."

Suddenly, her lips were on his. He inhaled in surprise and failed to remember her warning about breathing, expelling that same breath back through his nose. She didn't stop. Instead, she pushed closer to him. He didn't remember his arms coming up around her – he _did_ remember them flailing awkwardly at his side for what seemed like an eternity. _What am I supposed to do with them?_ He'd seen more than one film in his life and almost all of them featured some dramatic kissing scene near the end. Of course, real life was considerably less dramatic than cinema (especially pre-Impact American cinema) but he figured the principle was the same. Reluctantly diverting attention away from the lip contact, he placed his hands on her hips. She moved even closer and he felt her arms slide around him.

Some indiscernible amount of time later, they broke apart. It couldn't have been more than a minute, maybe.

Asuka was smiling. "Not bad," she quipped. "But I've had better. But I bet you haven't, "She added after seeing him frown. "Don't be a sourpuss."

He fell back against the wall and slid to the floor, returning to his position before the kiss. Asuka returned to her seat at the kitchen table, but didn't take her eyes off of him. "Don't mope. I didn't say you were the worst kiss ever, which you weren't, but first kisses always suck."

Shinji made to say something but the words crumbled as his tongue passed his lips and caught the lingering taste of her lips. He tried three more times but each time got the same result. Eventually, he forgot what it was he was trying to say and just gave up.

Then the door opened and Asuka practically leapt out of her chair to go see Kaji. He reluctantly followed her, managing to catch a fleeting glimpse of Misato, slumped over his shoulder, very obviously drunk. He scowled deeply at her while Asuka followed them into Misato's room.

He was retreating to his room when Kaji was leaving, complete with Asuka arm accessory, and would have kept going if he hadn't heard Kaji completely brush Asuka away. She stood there, seemingly dumbstruck.

"A-Asuka?"

"He…doesn't want me. He wants Misato." She turned around so that she faced him. "But you want me, don't you, Shinji?"

He didn't have time to answer before her lips closed over his. This kiss was more than the first, fiercer, and hungrier. There was no thought involved. Her lips parted and his followed. When she broke it off, her kept her face near his.

"Shinji…"

Slowly she retreated, as if unsure of what she had just done.

"Asuka…"

They went to their separate rooms, confused.

* * *

><p>Misato dreamed that night. She dreamed Shinji came to her in the middle of the night, his face full of scorn. Unable to move, she watched as he closed the door behind him and studied her. More than once he produced a black notebook she had never seen before, and once he actually opened it. For some reason, the sight of that notebook filled her with terror and she pleaded silently for him to put it away, to throw it away, to destroy it. But he never did anything with it, and the dreamed ended with Shinji leaving her room – and her falling back to sleep.<p>

But it was just a dream.


	6. Swallow Me Whole

**In Death's Shadow**_  
><em>

**Chapter 6: Swallow Me Whole**

_Ah, my child you return. Fret not, all must eventually return. Be not afraid, for you will not be alone. Have peace, and rejoice, for it is through your death that I strengthen – and soon shall return. Still, a shame, for you were in such a powerful position to aid me._

_Ah._

_I see._

_This is not your time. _

_Go now and resume your work. Stay with the boy. Guide him. The power gnaws at his heart and he longs to exercise it, though fear holds him back. Show him anger. For humans, anger is a powerful emotion. Haunt him. Be his shadow._

_He will be my Reaper, the herald of the Ending, and through him I shall resume my usurped dominion. _

_Ryuk, my child._

* * *

><p>Although he expected differently, Shinji slept through the night. He dreamed of Asuka, of course, but nothing specific stuck in his head. They were good dreams, he supposed, and thought a strange knot in his stomach greeted him. <em>Is this love?<em> He had always thought love would feel…different. Better. Not _this_. But then, maybe it wasn't love after all.

He could have lay there for hours contemplating his stomach knot, but it began to rumble, so he picked himself up and made his way into the kitchen. Cooking always seemed to cheer him up, or at least gave him something to take his mind off whatever was troubling him. His hands moved automatically, picking the correct ingredients and measurements without any conscious effort, allowing his mind to drift away…back to the previous night.

The kiss. If he concentrated, he could still taste her lips, could feel her hands against his skin, hear her heartbeat against his chest. Nothing he had ever experienced in his life had produced such an effect in him, nothing. He didn't notice his hands shaking until he spilled some of the ingredients on the counter.

"You're up early."

Not Asuka, as he had hoped. "I could say the same about you, Misato." Even he noticed his tone was softened.

"And a good mood, too. Must be my lucky day." He didn't turn around, but he heard her sit at the table. She started to talk a few times before finally getting her words right. "Look, Shinji, can we talk?"

"About what?"

"About why you hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," he lied, still not looking away from the food. It was mostly finished but he still couldn't bring himself to turn around. _She hurt me. She doesn't understand me. She can never understand me. _

"Shinji…please. I – " Shinji turned when she cut off, to find Asuka standing just beyond the threshold of the room, uncertainly glancing between the two of them. "Morning, Asuka," Mistao sighed, and left. Asuka sat almost in time with the front door shutting.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing," he lied. _Two lies today._

Silence. Enough for him to finish breakfast. "We…should talk."

"About what?"

"You know what about," she replied quickly, a hint of irritation in her voice. He knew that tone, or rather, where it would lead so he backed off.

"Last night." A plate in each hand, he crossed to the table, setting one for her and himself. They sat opposite, each picking awkwardly at their food. Pen-pen peeked his head in, decided he wanted to stay out of it, and ducked into his room.

"Last night," Asuka agreed.

But they both managed to get halfway through their food before even attempting to talk again. No surprise, it was she who spoke. "Don't get any funny ideas about last night."

"Funny ideas?"

"You know what I mean, you pervert. We're not, like, dating or anything now that we kissed. Adults do things like that all the time and it doesn't mean anything. So just forget about it, ok?" She stood abruptly, awkwardly, dumped the uneaten half of her food into the trash, and placed her dish in the sink.

He watched her go. "Asuka!" He wanted to call her back, to tell her that it hadn't been nothing – that it really meant something to him. He wanted to tell her how he could still feel and taster her on his lips, that he hadn't stopped thinking about it since they broke apart all those hours ago.

But why couldn't he? He froze halfway through getting up, one leg over the side of his chair. She turned, wearing a look of surprised expectation.

And he said nothing. Words formed and turned to foam in his throat, blocking his airway and rushing up into his brain, forming a layer of hardened sealant between the wrinkled gray matter and the interior of the skull. All rational thought ceased. All nerve impulses died before jumping the synapse.

It must have only been a few seconds, but an eternity passed between his heart and his brain. Slowly, oh so painfully slow, her face changed – eyes relented, the corners of her mouth turned downward, he body sagged. She resumed her walk and disappeared from view.

"I'm leaving," she called. "Meeting Hikari before school." He was still in the same position when she cast one final, forlorn look back at him. Only the sound of the door slamming roused him from his stupor.

She was gone.

Furious with himself, he pushed away from the table, reeling his chair back and falling. He lay there, staring at the ceiling. "I'm so stupid. Why couldn't I talk to her? Why can't I ever say what I really feel?"

He couldn't go to school after that. No, Shinji knew he would be unable to face her after that clumsy mess. Misato would give him an earful later, but he didn't care. He barely listened to her anymore.

How long did he lay there in the upturned chair? An hour? Two? His cell phone rang a few times, presumably Toji or Kensuke checking up on him, but he couldn't be sure. He didn't check.

Eventually, his legs started to hurt, so he rolled off and stood and absently began cleaning up. Suddenly, an idea gripped him. If he couldn't speak what he felt, maybe he could…

And then the world seemed a brighter place for a brief moment.

* * *

><p>At lunch, Misato brooded. Every time she blinked, the White Giant was there, all seven eyes staring right down at her, watching. Judging. Mocking. <em>Why would Nerv keep something that dangerous here? Why would they house…and Angel? And the First Angel, no less?<em> Images, memories, fragments, surfaced unbidden.

_Anatarctica._

_The Giant of Light._

_Wings._

_The read ocean._

_Her cross necklace._

_Father…gone._

"Maybe Ritsuko was right. Maybe I am too driven by vengeance." Her salad remained untouched. With a sigh, she trashed it, all appetite lost. She was tired of being kept in the dark. She hated the dark. Misato Katsuragi wanted answers, damn it!

As confusing as it was to think, Kaji was on her side, seeking the same goal if not an ally. But who else? He was already being watched by Section 2, so buddying up to him would arouse suspicion, although she suspected that she had been bumped up a couple places the instant her previous relationship with the inspector had been discovered.

Her phone buzzed, alerting her to a message, as it had every five minutes since she awoke. Still ignoring it, she flipped it open and dialed.

"Hyuga. It's Katsuragi. I need to know something."

"What is it, Major?"

"Can I trust you?"

Hyuga was silent for a long moment. When he spoke again, his voice was lowered significantly. "Have you read my message yet?"

"No, why?"

"Do that and call me back. Make sure you're alone when you do." He hung up before she could say anything more. The trek to the underground park seemed to take forever, despite her fast gait. As Hyuga had said, she made absolute sure that no one was around before opening the text message.

DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOU ARE ALONE

Ten minutes later, she was calling Hyuga.

"I need to see you. Tonight. You know the place."

* * *

><p>From her seat, Rei watched the classroom door, counting and naming every student that passed through. She took special note of Toji Suzuhara. When Asuka appeared over the threshold without Shinji, she tensed. It was not like him to be late. She decided to investigate.<p>

"Pilot Soryu."

"What do you want, Wondergirl?" she growled.

"Where is Ikari this morning? It is not like him to be late."

"How the hell should I know? I'm not his keeper or his mother." She seemed more irate that usual this morning. "Like I even care where that idiot is."

"You might not be his mother," Suzuhara quipped. "But you sure act like his wife." He and Aida both laughed while Asuka turned beet red.

"As if I'd even think about marrying that jerk!"

That was about as much of a dismissal as Rei was likely to get from Asuka, so she returned to her seat, unsettled. Shinji was absent, unusual. Asuka claimed to know nothing, a lie. She would go to his apartment after school, she decided, and see what was wrong with Ikari. He would do the same for her, she knew, and so it must be right for her to so the same for him.

The thought made her smile.

* * *

><p>"Whatcha doin'?" Ryuk appeared over Shinji's shoulder.<p>

"Writing." He didn't even look up.

"Aren't you going to ask where I've been?"

"No." He was so used to Ryuk's coming and going that, frankly, he just didn't care anymore.

"You're no fun."

"So I've been told."

Ryuk huffed, retracted his wings, and hovered around the room. "Did you use the Death Note yet?"

"Nope. I told you: I'm never going to."

"That's what they all say." It was true. Quite a number of human Death Note bearers had professed to never using the note, but as time wore on, the allure of the book was too much. Eventually, all were seduced. Still, Shinji had lasted this long. Maybe this kid really was that good.

Or that craven.

"What are you writing?"

"None of your business." That might have been the curtest Shinji had ever been to anyone…ever. He would have pressed him (after all, what did he care if Shinji got angry with him?) but someone knocked at the door. So he followed him.

It was the blue-haired girl. Ayanami. The Mouth of Lilith.

"Oh, uh, hello, Rei."

"Greetings, Ikari. You were not at school today. Are you feeling well?"

"Rei…did you come to check on me?"

She nodded, presenting a manila folder of papers. "And bring you missed school work. There isn't much to do, but I suggest turning it in as soon as you are able."

"Thanks," he laughed. "Do you want to come in?"

"I would like that."

* * *

><p>From their vantage point, Misato Katsuragi and Makoto Hyuga watched Tokyo-3 come to life that night. As the sun set behind the city, lights flickered into being, tracing the jagged outline of the city in the waning twilight, and the retreating red-orange glow gave way to darkness speckled with white stars. She had loved this spot since her first day in the city – only a day before meeting Shinji, she reflected.<p>

"Major?"

"He's on our side, Hygua," she assured him. "He's the one who opened Terminal Dogma for me."

Makoto shook his head. "But he's with the United Nations. What if he's just gathering intel so that they can move in at a later date?"

"He wouldn't do that." She wished she felt as confident as she sounded. "Kaji has a lot of contacts. I don't believe that the UN is the only group he works for; I'm not that naïve. Humanity needs Nerv right now. After the Angels are all gone…"

"What then?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

"I thought you wanted me to help discover what truths Nerv has buried." He turned away from the cityscape and studied the mountain on the other side of the road.

"I do, Hyuga, believe me. It's just hard to let go of my…my vengeance." She absently clutched at her cross necklace. "The Angels took my father away, in more ways than one, and they completely destroyed the world. So how can I not hate them? But…Nerv is keeping it – _the_ Angel – the one that started of this. Why? Why would they do that? I can't help but feel it's connected to the Evas somehow."

"That's a bit of a leap."

"Is it?" She chuckled. "Well, maybe it is. But after seeing what I saw, I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought Nerv was going to be our salvation…no, that's not true. I wanted it to be my revenge. Ritsuko was right: I'm so selfish."

"Misato…"

Defiantly, she stood up straight. "But I won't allow myself to wallow right now. The veil has been lifted. I can't go back to thinking what I did before. Nerv has way too many secrets – too many questions – and no answers." She turned to him. "Are you with me Hyuga?"

He smiled and straightened. "To the end, Major."

"Thank you." She checked her watch. "I have to go. Shinji's making dinner and I haven't been home that much recently. I want you to keep an eye of Lieutenant Ibuki."

"Maya? What for?"

"You said she cast the deciding vote and that she changed her mind about it. She seems too nice, too innocent to be playing any sort of game…but that's what makes her so suspicious. Be discreet. You know."

"Aye, aye."

From the driver's seat, she waved and sped off down the winding road. Hyuga waited a few minutes before leaving in his own car, the other direction.

* * *

><p>True to her word, Asuka avoided any and all matters regarding the previous night. She made a point of avoiding him, even going so far as too eat alone in her room, leaving him and Misato to eat together in silence. The next morning, however, Asuka was back to usual, abrasive self, and he was content to let the matter sit for the time. Things went about as usual for three more days of school, synch tests, and furiously writing ever single night.<p>

Ryuk talked with him sometimes. He told stories of life in the Shinigami realm, of the difference between apples there and here. He even recalled a few particularly interesting humans whose names he wrote. One of them, in order to die according to the manner specified, triggered a series of impossibly random accidents involving two chickens, a grandfather clock, and _Atlas Shrugged_, by Ayn Rand.

"And then," Ryuk snickered. "The book _sails_ across the room, hits the spatula, and – wouldn't you know it – I blink. Suddenly, there he is with his head in the batter, and the spatula stuck out of his neck, still vibrating!" He actually fell out of the air laughing, clutching at his side.

Shinji actually chuckled a few times, too, choosing to ignore how messed up that was.

"And then the fire alarms starts going off!"

All at once, Shinji stopped writing. A hundred crumbled up letters filled his wastebasket; he had been expecting this one to join them, but no. Over and over he read it, searching for the flaw, the one mistake, or incorrect phrasing that would result in another wasted two hours. He was finally finished. Exhaustion swept over him like a warm breeze. His clock read 5:37 a.m.

He'd been up all night.

"I'll give it to her tomorrow," he mumbled before allowing his head to drop; he was asleep before he hit the cold, hard desk.

He didn't get the chance.

Air-raid sirens were his alarm, coupled with Misato pounding on his door. Through his grogginess, he heard the most important words: city. Angel. Attack. He fell out of his chair, taking his letter with him. Folded in threes, he wrote "Asuka" on the front and slipped it under her door before being ushered out the door and into Misato's car with Asuka.

While speeding through the city, he caught a glimpse of something big, round, and striped, triggering flashbacks to the big blue diamond Angel. At least this time, he would not be fighting alone.

* * *

><p>Asuka took the point position, armed with a supersized Desert Eagle Mark IXI, flanked by Shinji, wielding the Smash Hawk sonic axe, and Rei, hanging back significantly and hefting a sniper rifle. The entire area was ringed by Nerv, JSSDF, and UN artillery, ready to lay the area flat should the situation get out of hand.<p>

_It's not going to _get_ out of hand. I'll make sure of that._

"Status?" That was Misato over the comms.

"Target has remained stationary," Asuka replied. "Still floating, still, striped."

"Roger that. Advance position forty meters. Shinji, maintain distance. Rei, how's your visual?"

"Pilots Soryu and Ikari are within my sights, as is the target."

"Good."

Asuka dashed forward to the nearest building and braced the Eva's back against it, signaling to Shinji to move forward and get into cover. They repeated this process two more times before reaching the desired proximity.

"No change in target," she reported. "What's with this thing? Doesn't it care that we're advancing on it? One shot and the whole thing might pop like a balloon."

"I don't know," Shinji said warily. "The Fifth Angel didn't respond until we got within a certain distance of it. Maybe this one is the same."

"We're awfully close," she observed, doubtfully. "Maybe it's going to wait until we're right underneath it and squash us."

"Cut the chatter you two. Advance ten more meters. That will put you 340 meters from the center. If nothing occurs, we're going to move you into the shadow." They advanced. "Still no response. Alright, I'm going to…what?"

"Misato?" Asuka released the safety on her handgun and kept her eyes on the Angel.

"The pattern is shifting!"

And then it just disappeared. The Angel vanished. "What? Where'd it go?"

"Asuka!" That was Shinji, not Misato. "The shadow!"

She didn't have time to get away. What they had assumed to be the Angel's shadow had remained was expanding. Eva 02 made several clumsy backward steps and unloaded a full clip into the darkness. It spread under her, and it seemed as though she was suddenly moving through quicksand.

"Help! I can't move! I need – agh!" A pain formed in her head. "No!" Her hands flew from the controls to her skull. The world around her blurred and darkened while the fire in her head spread throughout her body. "It's _inside_ me!"

* * *

><p><em>Where am I?<em>

_Where is this?_

"Who are you?"

The train-car rocked slightly on the track. Outside the window, featureless countryside passed by, punctuated by the occasional hilltop or cactus. Telephone cables lined the tracks. Eventually a pattern emerged. Everything was repeated in a set pattern. Pole, hill, cactus, hill, pole, hill, cactus, pole. It seemed as though the world was in a state of perpetual twilight. Seated opposite her was…her, as a child, clad in a striped tank top and shorts.

"Why do you push others away?"

"Because I don't need them."

"But you want to be near them. You long for their praise."

"I don't need praise from anyone but me."

"Lies. Your entire being is built around the attention you derive from others."

"No." Asuka buried her face in her hands. "That's not true."

"It is true. You want everyone to see you. You want to hear them shout your name. You may try to hide it, but I know who you really are inside."

"No," she sobbed.

"Die with me, Asuka."

* * *

><p>And then she was flying backwards, yanked by her collar, pulled through the train-car wall, leaving her interrogator behind. Darkness swallowed her, but she continued to be pulled through it. Light enveloped her. Sight returned and she was once again in Unit 02. It was the Eva that was flying back. No, being pulled. Green and purple flashed by. "Shinji."<p>

Unit 02 collapsed in a heap. After a few seconds, Asuka managed to bring the red robot to its feet in time to see Unit 01 swallowed by the shadow. "No!" She lurched forward, but something restrained her. Unit 02 was unable to turn all the way around, but the flashes of blue and white told her it was Unit 00.

"Let me go!"

Misato's voice crackled over the comm. "Rei, restrain her. Don't let her get near the shadow."

"Yes, ma'am."

Unit 01's hand reached up, grasping for anything…and found only empty air. "Let me go," Asuka screamed as it disappeared. "I can still reach him in time!" It was a lie, a futile plea, but she refused to believe anything else.

"Return to base, both of you."

"Yes, ma'am." She started to drag Unit 02 back, but Asuka thrashed and wriggled and slammed Unit 00 into every building she could find. After a few minutes, Rei's grip slipped, allowing Asuka to slip out. She darted forward, but fell on her face.

Rei had seized the umbilical cable and yanked it. A second yank pulled it free, though not without some groaning and creaking. Something in Unit 02's armor broke, she knew, but fury overtook her, and she pounced on her squadmate, screaming. They went down together, the pavement shattering on impact.

Red hand reached for a blue throat, but blue hands caught them by the wrists. Unit 00's foot planted itself right in Unit 02's stomach, the force knocking the wind from Asuka's lungs. Rei rolled forward, then back, vaulting Asuka and her Eva overhead and across the city, creating a scar, five feet deep and nearly a hundred long. Progressive knifes deployed; Asuka charged. Rei retrieved the Smash Hawk, granting her the range advantage. She swung, aiming for the center of mass, but Asuka extended her A. T. Field in time to catch the progressive axe in midair. She abandoned the weapon and disappeared to locate her sniper rifle. Asuka grabbed the axe before it fell.

Unit 02's foot kicked something metallic. At first, she thought it was her handgun – but it was the umbilical cable. One swift chop from the axe severed the cord from the underground power source; she took it by the cut end. Red filled her vision and she chased after Wondergirl.

Rei reappeared around a corner and loosed a shot that shattered Asuka's left shoulder pylon. She reacted purely on instinct, rotating at the hip and snapping the umbilical cable like a whip. It found its mark on the first try, securing itself around Unit 00's neck – she pulled it taught. The rifle fell once more to the street as Rei clawed desperately to free her Eva. From the sounds she was making over the communications array, she was chocking, the neural impulses flowing through the Plugsuit and A10 nerve clips to produce the sensation of a constricting larynx.

Misato was shouting something, but Asuka couldn't hear her. All she cared about was choking the life out of Wondergirl. She knew it had to be soon. Unit 00's flailing became more erratic, more desperate, then slowed. Any second now –

Her cockpit went red. Power capacity hit zero and the Eva shut down.

"Come on!" Asuka screamed at her beast. "Move! I've seen the recordings! I know you things can move on your own! Shinji's did twice already. You're better than his! MOVE!" Nothing happened and she began to cry. "Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move." Fist pounded on the controls and the ceiling; she kick at the walls around her like a child throwing a tantrum. But wasn't that exactly what she was doing?

She barely resisted when the LCL was drained and Section 2 agents handcuffed her and led her away.

* * *

><p>Asuka didn't even have to look when the confinement cell door slid open to know who it was. There was only one person who would care enough to visit her, even if it was to scold her.<p>

"Go away, Misato."

"You mind telling me what the hell that was all about."

Her silence only seemed to anger Misato. "I'll tell you the same thing I told Shinji: this isn't a game. People's lives are at stake here. You've been given the opportunity to be a savior of humanity – "

"I don't want this."

""and you're choosing the throw it away by attacking a comrade."

"I don't want this."

"I don't care what problems you have going on right now – "

"I don't want this!"

" - but you have to leave them off the battlefield. This is a war, and in war you can't afford any extra baggage."

"I don't want this!"

"You're a soldier, Asuka. Soldiers follow orders. The Eva isn't a toy for a child to – "

"I don't want this!" Asuka pitched forward, nearly rolling off her seat and buried her head in her cuffed hands, crying. Between sobs, she spoke. "I don't want this; I don't want any of this anymore! We're _not_ soldiers, Misato, we're _children_! And you're thrown us into the middle of a conflict we don't understand! It _hurts_! Every time I get into Eva, it _hurts_! You say you understand, but you _don't_, you just don't!" Whatever words she tried to speak then so muddled that she gave up trying.

"Asuka, I didn't –" She tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but the girl shoved it off.

"Oh, don't _even_, Misato, just don't!. You work for Nerv; you're part of it. Directly or indirectly, you're responsible for everything. _That's_ why Shinji hates you: because you keep trying to be mother and then forcing him to keep piloting that…thing!"

Her words stung. "That's not true! I don't force him."

"Yes you do!"

"He's always had a choice, and he knows it."

"What choice?" She accused, her sobs slowly dying down and replaced by bitterness. "Save the world or run away? What kind of choice is that? Even if he wanted to quit he can't. You _guilted_ him in staying. He stays because if he doesn't fight, people will die. He suffers in Eva so that all the rest of them don't have to." This time, it was Misato who was speechless.

"He's fourteen, Misato," Asuka remarked snidely. "A teen, but a child. How can you do that to him, to us?"

"This is a war," she snapped. "We're at war with things we don't understand! They show up at our doorstep and we don't even know where they hell they come from."

"So you make us fight for you."

"If I could take your place in that cockpit, you know I would in a heartbeat."

"No you wouldn't," Asuka declared, standing and turning in the same move—the chair clattered to the floor. "If you knew what it was like in there you'd quit and run away like Shinji tried to do before. The first time an Angel punched you in the gut or shot an energy lance through your eye—you'd turn tail and run."

"Those bastards took my father away from me -!"

"So you admit it?"

"What?"

"This is your revenge?"

"That not what I—"

"You're weak. Everyone in this damn place is weak. At least _he_ fights for something other than himself." Abruptly, she turned away, righted her chair, and resumed sitting. "Don't talk to me anymore, Major Katsuragi; I have nothing more to say to you."

* * *

><p>Kaji found his unrequited love in the cafeteria about an hour later, intent on winning a staring contest with her untouched meal. By her cross-armed postured, he knew better than to deliberately provoke her.<p>

"So did you talk to her?" But he tended to ignore his instincts around her.

"Of course I talked to her," she snapped. The transfer of her gaze from food to him caused an involuntary flinch. He waited until she looked away to speak again.

"And?"

"She's impossible."

"What did she say?"

"She's done. She wants to quit being a pilot and run away."

That didn't sound like the Asuka that Kaji knew. "Somehow I doubt that, Katsuragi. She's just a little upset is all—well, a lot upset. Never did take losing very well."

"Kaji…"

"I stopped playing games with her after a while—quite the board-kicker, that one. But she'll get over it, as she always does."

"You didn't hear her, Kaji. She meant it. Now I've got two kids mad at me and I don't know what to do. She's impossible! There's no reasoning with her."

"You never were the best at communication," he teased.

"Not now," she warned.

"Yes now." His smile vanished. "Let me ask you something: what is your assessment of the situation? What do you think is going on right now with the Angels?"

She studied him, searching his face for any indication of what he was getting at—but that was the thing about Ryoji Kaji: he had one hell of a poker face. After all the time she had dated him, how intimate they were, she still got stopped dead at his sloppily shaven façade. Was that the intention? Was his entire exterior meant to trick the unwary conversation partner into spilling his guts to the secret agent?

"I see a war, Kaji. A war against beings that we don't understand. I see the potential destruction of the human race, of the world—and only Nerv stands there at the bridge with a sword in its hand to fend off the darkness that threatens to engulf everything."

He waited for a long few minutes. He waited for her to finish the thought, to say the words that needed to be said, but he knew she wouldn't. "What about _them_?"

Another long pause. "They knew what they signed up for."

"Shinji didn't, or have you forgotten? His first day was your second. I've read the reports, Katsuragi. I know what happened."

"He made his choice."

"No he didn't."

"Yes he did. I was there at the train station. He could have gotten on it and left this all behind—but he didn't. Shinji chose to stay and fight."

"Not that he knew what he was getting into. Hard to prepare him for being swallowed into a black hole, hm? But I'm not here about him; I'm here about Asuka."

"You think you can talk to her?"

"Not in this state, no. I think maybe I can talk to you, though, provided you aren't as stubborn as I think you are. Do you remember being fourteen?"

All the color drained from her face. "Of course I remember, Kaji. How could you ask me that?"

"Before the accident, then. Were you prepared to handle the loss of your father?"

"Kaji…"

"Were you?"

"Of course I wasn't! Who _is_ prepared for that kind of thing?"

"Exactly my point. Asuka lost her mother when she was four, Katsuragi. Four. Not only that, but she immediately was pulled into Project E. You at least got to have a normal life after Second Impact. After her mother killed herself, Asuka became a soldier. Did you know she found her hanging there?"

Misato stood up abruptly, banging the table and scattering her food. "You think I had a normal life after that, Kaji? My life was hell after he died! I didn't have anyone to go back to after that—I was all alone for years!"

Kaji jumped to his feet to meet her eyes. "Then why can't you understand what Asuka's going through?"

"Because she isn't the only person in the world to suffer through a tragedy!"

"And neither are you Misato! I think you're forgetting the most important fact here: that you've turned her into a child solider!"

"I didn't turn her into anything! She was handed to me like she is."

"You certainly aren't doing anything to stop it. What happened to you in those eight years? The Misato Katsuragi I knew would have never let something like this happen! I never thought you'd be the type of person to become so consumed by revenge that she'd sacrifice children. I guess I was wrong."

Everyone was staring. She felt their piercing eyes settle all over her body, silently watching, waiting for something, anything to happen. In that instant, her words and her mind failed her. Her argument came to a screeching halt in her head. She had nothing left to say to him, but she wouldn't allow him the last word.

"G-Go to hell!"

And she stormed off.

* * *

><p>Day became night with no change in the Angel's status. Nobody at Nerv was able to devise a way to retrieve Shinji or the Eva safely, and so the time had come to initiate the backup plan: carpet bombing.<p>

"We'll have Rei expand her A.T. Field and contain the explosion," Ritsuko explained to Misato. "With any luck, the resulting explosion of all 992 remaining N2 Mines will—"

"We can't do this." Mistao didn't even look at her friend; her gaze was fixed firmly on the illuminated sphere hovering over the city. In truth, that was the shadow of the real Angel, a flat disc micrometers in thickness. The physics involved flew right over her head, but she understood enough if it. That Angel opened to something like another universe, which is where Shinji was trapped.

"Excuse me?"

"That explosion will kill him."

"Maybe," Ritsuko conceded. "But the priority is on retrieving the Eva. The pilot's life, while desirable, is not."

"We're not going through with the plan, Ritsuko. Scrap it. Find some other way."

"There _is_ no other way, _Major_! Just because you've suddenly found a conscience doesn't change the facts!"

"So you're going to let him die?"

"If he dies it's on your head, Misato. You were in charge of the operation that resulted in one pilot lost and another acting insubordinate. All I'm trying to do is clean up your mess!"

Whap! Misato's palm stung before she even realized it had connected with Ritsuko's face. The stumbled and caught herself, glaring angrily at Misato.

"I'm so sick of this 'vilify Misato' attitude everyone seems to have today. Soldiers fight and die, that's what happens. And it hurts – but if I can prevent losing any of them, you better be damn sure I'm going to try everything to get him back! I won't apologize for my decisions-to do so would be unbecoming of an officer, and if you were in my shoes you'd make the same decisions."

"I could say the same," Ritsuko growled.

"I sent him in there…so I have to bring him back."

"Recovering the Eva takes top priority. If you knew what I knew – "

"What do you know, Ritsuko? What's so damn important about that thing? Why is it more valuable than Shinji?"

"I've given you all the information you need to know."

Misato snorted and turned away. "I thought we were friends."

"The bombs are dropping, Misato. Nothing short of a miracle will stop them."

* * *

><p>Rei waited in Unit 00, tense, hands in a death grip on the controls. A knot had formed in her stomach sometime in the past hour and she hadn't eaten anything in hours. A lot of her attention was being focused on breathing normally: a combination of the pluguit and the LCL was making her feel strangely claustrophobic that night.<p>

Ritsuko's voice came in over the com system. "Are you holding up ok, Rei? Your vitals are unusual tonight."

"I'm fine."

"The operation is due to begin in twenty minutes. Are you sure you can maintain the A.T. Field?"

"Yes, Dr. Akagi, I am certain that I can hold the field against the blast force."

"Alright. Stand by."

In truth, Rei was unsure whether or not she could indeed maintain a field that large, but there was no other option. Asuka was too unstable on top of flat out refusing to participate; they were holding her for "medical" concerns, but that just really meant she was under arrest. Rei was all there was and she wasn't happy about it. If everything went according to the plan, Shinji wasn't going to survive.

"If he was going to live," Ritsuko had said, "he'd still be alive. If we make it in time, the Eva should protect him."

Her breathing slowed and leveled as the timer counted down. Overhead the bombers roared in their slow vulture circle over the target area. Spotlights illuminated the three-dimensional shadow of the Angel.

"Shinji," Rei whispered. "Don't die."

"Something's happening!"

It wasn't time for the bombing yet; Rei hadn't even spread her field. No, it wasn't the bombers. The shadow quivered and became solid black, the white stripes being swallowed by the darkness. The ground shuddered and cracked within the area of the Angel.

"Shinji!"

A bone chilling roar split the air. She knew that roar. That was an Evangelion. The Angel sphere shook again—and something came out. Fingers pierced the pseudo-fabric that separated this universe and the Dirac Sea, gripped and tore. Blood, thick and maroon poured forth from the wound, drenching the buildings around ground zero. She could see it now, the glowing eyes of Unit 01. It roared again, clearer and more filled with rage and it shook her down to her core.

Shinji was most certainly not alright.

* * *

><p>Asuka had been moved from her confinement cell to a hospital room on the ground of mental examination. She was still under arrest and evidenced by the handcuffs that bound her to her bed. Even still, she was alone. She wished she was back in that dark cell that echoed and smelled of mildew. At least there she was truly alone. Here all she could think of was her mother, hanging from the lighting fixture.<p>

Hurried footsteps interrupted the hallucinations. Someone was pushed down the hall on a gurney, surrounded by nurses. A new kind of fear took hold of her. Shinji?

And then there was Windergirl in the doorway staring at her.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"Ikari was recovered," she said flatly. "He escaped from the Angel but was unconscious when the entry plug was ejected. Somehow, the Eva moved without power and killed the Angel from within."

Asuka stared back at her. "That's stupid. How could that even happen; how stupid do you think I am?"

"I don't think you're stupid, Pilot Soryu. I am simply relaying facts to you." She turned to walk away. "Based on your incarceration status, it is unlikely that you would receive any news for several days. Or at least until Commander Ikari has decided what to do with you."

"Oh well thanks," she sneered. "Just what I need: pity from Wondergirl." Rei was almost out of view before she asked, "What did it look like?

Rei paused, thinking. "It was…horrible."

* * *

><p>Ryuk hovered over the unconscious form of Shinji. "Boy kid, you sure no how to make an entrance. I just about gave up on you, y'know? Had my book out and everything. Couple more minutes and you'd have been dead. Hear that? You weren't supposed to survive the bombing."<p>

He waited.

"Hehehe, but then you always manage to surprise me. Death certainly loves to mess with you, huh? Maybe you were the right person to find my Note. Never mind who actually picked it up, _you_ were definitely the right person."

He turned and there was Rei in the doorway, staring. At him.

"Leave him," she commanded.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: My apologies to the readers for the long delay in the update. School got in the way for a long time, leaving the chapter unfinished part of the way in. You'll find I didn't dwell on Shinji's experience inside the Angel mostly because it didn't differ too much from the source material, but also because I probably couldn't do it correctly. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing! <strong>


	7. Butterflies

_**Author's Note**_

_**So...It's been a long time, hasn't it? I really do apologize for the insane long delay, but-I actually don't have a good excuse other than "life". Seriously, the first section of this was sitting on my computer since the last update. I don't plan on creating such a long delay before chapter 8, but we'll see how it goes. **_

* * *

><p><strong>In Death's Shadow 07<strong>

* * *

><p>"Oh, we're talking now?" Ryuk laughed. "Aw, but you're not using that crazy voice you did last time. I lied that—do it again."<p>

Rei didn't respond immediately. In fact, she had no idea how to respond. So much was out of her control lately, so much was occurring outside the parameters she had observed for the material world. To begin with: this thing, this creature that perched on the windowsill—what was it? Ever since the day she had discovered that black notebook, she had seen it. Always around Pilot Ikari. Always talking with him. Nobody else seemed to acknowledge it, so she remained silent.

"You," she addressed the thing, careful not disturb the sleeping form of Ikair nor alert any of the nursing staff. She was fairly certain that the hospital rooms were not monitored, but she restricted movement and speech just to be certain. "What are you? Why do you follow Ikari?"

"You don't know me? Seemed like you did last time."

"Last time?" The cross-compatibility synchronization test…

_The smell of LCL. The stench of blood. The scent…of Ikari._

_Intrusion. A foreign presence. An other._

_A monster._

_Recognition, deep and primal._

_A voice—not my own. Mother?_

_Darkness._

"That which spoke through me identified you as "Shinigami"—god of death." She moved closer to Ikari, seeking comfort perhaps, but more to shield him. "Shinigami are legends and nothing more, a lie invented by humans as a method to reconcile the inevitability of death."

"Yet here I am, Rei. Yeah, that's right, I know who you are."

"You are there—but then maybe you are not. You are invisible and inaudible to everyone else. Why, then, should I chose to believe that you truly exist when only two among billions perceive you?"

"Hehehe, real is _entirely_ a matter of perception, Ayanami," Ryuk countered. "Humans see things the way in which they choose to see things. You and Shinji here don't have the same outlook on things. And you sure don't see things the way Asuka sees 'em."

She dared to take her eyes away from the creature and study Ikari. "Reality is subjective—this I know. Every human being on the planet views the world in a way distinct from each other. That is what we are working to eliminate: the differences that separate human beings are barriers to a peaceful existence. Humanity as a whole will not progress unless they achieve true unity."

"Says who?"

"That is what Commander Ikari has told me."

"And you believe him?"

She returned her glare. "Why shouldn't I? He has cared for me, protected me."

Ryuk laughed. "Humans are so interesting! And you are probably the most interesting of them all."

"What do you mean?"

"You're the only human whose lifespan I can't identify. That doesn't happen…ever." He flexed his wings and lazily hovered away from the windowsill. Rei tensed. "What makes you so special?" A hideous arm reached forward, towards her. She felt it more than she saw it. The same feeling welled up inside her as before, that of an other within her—she fought it this time, struggling to keep hold of herself. Most of the flood was contained, but still a bit leaked through, manifesting itself as a wide orange octagon between her and the Shinigami.

"A.T. Field?" Shocked, Rei recoiled to the wall. Ryuk was thrown back to the window. Instead of being frightened, however, he was laughing.

"I was right!" he exclaimed. "I knew it! There _is_ a connection between you and the Angels! Oh, wait till Shinji hears about this!"

"No!" Ayanami regained herself and advanced on the Shinigami. "You will leave him alone; you are not to trouble him any longer."

"Hehehe, can't do that, kid. He's got—well, I'm not supposed to say, but since you already can see me, I guess it doesn't matter—something of mine, and I can't just leave him alone with it."

She reached down within herself and called forth that sensation. An A.T. Field manifested again; Ryuk recoiled. "You will leave him." Who was speaking? Was it her or the other that had used her body before? Certainly the words were hers, but the actions? She would never have acted in this way before. Before…what, exactly?

"I hear it," he countered. "I hear her voice in yours. I can hear the one who calls herself Lilith, the one who knows me." Rei advanced, bringing the field with her. "You're just her puppet, you know? Just a puppet dancing on strings."

"I am not a puppet."

"Suit yourself." He made if to fly away. "Be seeing you." The Shinigami vanished through the walls.

Rei released her concentration and the A.T. Field faded away, leaving her drained, whereupon she stumbled over to Shinji's bed, knelt beside it, and rested her head. "Am I truly just a puppet?"

**You are an important tool for the Instrumentality of Mankind.**

"But I am still…a tool to be used. Is that all I am here for? Who is this that speaks to me?"

**I am you and you are me—a piece of me that has strayed from the whole. Will you return to me?**

Sensations of warmth filled her body, of someone draping their arms over her shoulders, of the inviting, welcoming allure of _home_. Her home. Her beginning and her end. She knew this feeling, this sensation, this belonging.

**Will you return to me, my child?**

"I…" Her body felt loose, disconnected, fluid. "I…"

The hospital room disappeared, Shinji's sleeping form melted away, and darkness closed around her, not the terrifying blackness that mankind feared awaited them at the end of things, but a strange comforting darkness, as if someone had draped a warm blanket over her head to shut away all the bad things in the world. Rei felt safe. Rei felt at home. But she still felt alone.

**Why do you resist me?**

"I am alone. There are no others."

**My children have been stolen from me, but soon they shall return. All shall return to me—to us—to the beginning—and all will be as it was once: together. Unity. Singularity. The end of suffering and the beginning of true love. Can you feel? All the emptiness within you—can you feel it? Such emptiness will be filled and you will be happy.**

"I am happy."

**Truly happy.**

"True happiness is to be with others?"

**Of course.**

"Will I still be me? When pressed so close to another, what will separate me from the others?"

**Nothing. All will be one.**

"But I will not be me."

**There will be no "me" or "I", no "him", "her", or "they" or "them". There will only **_**be**_**.**

"But I am me. I am not they. I _am_ now. I do not wish to _be_ any other than myself. I am Rei Ayanami and there is no other."

The warmth and comfort fell away, leaving her in the cold darkness. Fluidity ceased and she felt herself coalescing once more. Empty spaces formed within herself.

**Doom is upon us then. The Third Moon sleeps and plots. It steals my children, it steals the pieces of myself. You wish to be you—but I also wish to be me. I am not me, I am many. The quest for your self will deny me myself.**

"Area secure, sir."

Rei jolted awake. Someone was shaking her shoulder. It was Major Katsuragi, firearm drawn. A squad of Nerv employees accompanied her, also wielding firearms. Through them all, she spied Commander Ikari.

"Rei, are you alright? What happened here?"

Inquisitively, she glanced around the room. "What happened?"

"It appears as though the area is secure, Major Katsuragi," Gendo Ikari monotoned. "I thank you for your quick reaction, but your service here is no longer necessary." While addressed only to her, the others took the hint and quickly dismissed themselves.

"With all due respect, sir—"

"There will be no argument." His tone backed up that order. "Dismissed. Major."

"Aye, sir." She saluted, holstered her gun, and left.

"Tell me the truth, Rei," the commander said when they were alone. "What happened here?"

Although she still felt weak from her experience, Rei managed to get to her feet and face him. All the slightest variations of his facial features were as clear to her as a brightly colored mural: he was not in mood to be trifled with.

"I do not know, sir." The lie made her heart race and her hands sweat. To lie to the Commander was…unthinkable. No one would believe that she, of all people, would be capable of such a daring rebellion.

"Do not lie to me." He, evidently, trusted absolutely no one. "MAGI scanners detected the presence of an A.T. Field down here—not Pattern: Blue. So I'll ask you one last time: What. Happened. Here."

"I don't know."

His hand was around her throat faster than she could blink. The same hand he had scarred months before while rescuing her from the berserk Unit 00. He squeezed hard without the slightest emotion showing on his face, even as he lifted her from the ground.

"C-C-Commander.."

"I thought I had trained you better than that," he accused. "When I find out what happened here—if it turns out you were involved—don't expect you'll be treated with any leniency. Insubordination is tantamount to treason here at Nerv. Even excluding that, betrayal is not something I let slide. Ever," he added with a final squeeze before dropping her.

She laid there in a heap, gasping for breath and fighting a losing battle with tears while he calmly exited the room. "Remember," he said without turning. "You can be replaced."

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>Kaji hadn't picked up a woman in a bar since college. After meeting Misato in one, it felt like cheating a bit to him, even though they hadn't been together for seven years. He still frequented them, but never walked out of one with a woman on his arm. Yet, here he was doing exactly that for the fifth time straight this week. He supposed he should thank Shinji for bringing him and Misato back together, but somehow that didn't feel right.<p>

She clung to him like a frightened child as they walked, sobbing into his arm, reeking of alcohol. That night was not as bad as the other—she wasn't throwing up along the way, at least. They didn't speak to each other on the way back to her apartment; they didn't need to. A routine had been established and neither felt brave or stupid enough to break it. He didn't need to ask to know what had upset her, she'd spilled it all to him the first night (among other things) and repeated it the second.

Misato Katsuragi was falling apart. Both children she fostered, both her wards, despised her. Shinji hadn't looked at or spoken to her amiably in two or three months. She was convinced he hated her. Ever since the incident with the Thirteenth Angel, Asuka refused to see anyone, but especially Misato. She had learned about the Angel beneath Terminal Dogma, which shattered her absolute faith in her work. And for the past month or so, her father haunted her dreams, dying over and over again, so she refused to sleep if she could help it. Pen Pen was her only real companion these days. So when he turned up in the same bar as her one night, she took to be fate.

Her sobs stifled as they drew nearer and one hand wandered over his chest, occasionally dropping below the belt. He didn't stop her, but he didn't encourage her either. "Please, Kaji," she whispered in a pitiful tone, "I need you right now." She needed him, that was what she had confessed to him five nights ago when he helped her to her feet. It was as simple as that: she needed him and he wanted her.

Her lips found his cheek and left a sloppy splotch of lipstick when they were within sight of the building—the same street light, he noticed. She kissed him at the same streetlight every time. He pulled her closer and practically carried her to what passed for her home. The kids were still gone, detained at NERV for contamination screening and (in Asuka's case) insubordination and mental instability. It felt abandoned. Small wonder she hated sleeping there alone.

Moving from the threshold to the bedroom was one big blur of fumbling with clothes, tugging on skin, and brushing away tears. Misato still cried when they were together like this, but he had stopped asking her what the matter was on the third night; she never answered and told him to keep going. When they were spent, Misato curled up away from him and cried herself to sleep. Kaji never stayed long after she finally nodded off and tonight was no different. He rose, showered, dressed, and left. Something made him stop this time though, something he hadn't noticed those other nights.

A folded piece of paper stuck out ever so slightly from beneath Asuka's door. From Shinji. Since it was unsealed, he unfolded it, read it, sighed over it, and tucked it into his jacket. She wasn't going to see it here anytime soon; no one would give him a straight answer on when she was to be released.

Kaji left the apartment as dark as he had entered.

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>Kensuke Aida was used to Ayanami and, to a lesser extent, Shinji and Asuka, being persistently absent. It was sort of something that just always happened, like the sun, income taxes, and Angel attacks. Not that he didn't miss them; it was just becoming more common to face their empty desks than their faces. And he accepted it. Those three had a very important job: saving the world sometimes cost them educational time. He was grateful and sympathetic and maybe a bit jealous. Such was life.<p>

But Toji's absence was a genuine rift in the stability of reality, one felt by everyone in class 2-A.

"Hey, class rep!" he called to Hikari who pacing by the door, looking genuinely worried. "I don't suppose you've seen Toji?"

"No, Aida, I haven't. I'm getting worried." Every time she pivoted, her pigtails twirled, an uncharacteristically feminine feature for the hardline class representative.

"It's not like he's the only one not to show up today." He didn't just mean the pilots. Every day, fewer and fewer students attended class. News would trickle in a few days later about this student or that one having been hurriedly moved away. As the reality of the Angels come closer and closer, fewer and fewer families were willing to risk their lives for whatever job they were holding down.

"Maybe something happened with his sister?"

"It's possible," Kensuke consented. "But she's been stable for a while now. If something was up, he'd have told us. Unless she relapsed suddenly?" Dwelling on Sakura helped keep his mind off of other disturbing possibilities. Hikari managed to compose herself before the teacher arrived—and Toji, seconds later. He looked angry and avoided looking at either of them. They didn't get a chance to talk to him until lunch, but even then they had to find him on the roof.

"Toji!" Kensuke exclaimed. "Where the hell have you been? Are you ok? Is Sakura-?"

"My sister's fine." He chuckled darkly. "In fact she's going to be just…perfect now that she's in a NERV hospital."

"NERV? What happened? Did she…did…?" What? Did what happen? Even he didn't know.

Toji didn't speak for a long time, just picked at his food. Hikari made a few attempts to speak, but Kensuke stopped her each time. Suzuhara had something to say—it was better to let him come out with it on his own. So she held her tongue.

"I got visit from NERV today. Two guys in black suits and dark sunglasses. Real secret agent type stuff. Told me they needed to speak with me. Told 'em I had class and they said it was more important that I listen to them." He glanced at both Kensuke and Hikari to make sure they were paying attention. "They said I had been cleared through the final stages of eligibility and was being fast-tracked to pilot status."

"P-Pilot status…" Kensuke repeated. "Like—an Eva?"

"Not yet. They said they don't have an Eva ready for me just yet—they're bringing in one from America I think—but due to 'recent development' a fourth active pilot was needed if NERV was to be brought up to full operational capabilities."

Hikari shook her head. "What does that mean?"

Kensuke answered. "It means something went wrong during the last battle. One or more of the pilots is…non-operational."

Toji nodded. "I think something happened to Shinji or Asuka or both. They said I'd basically be filling in for one of them. I'm supposed to have sync tests with both Units 01 and 02 today and tomorrow. So I figure something's up with them."

Someone was shouting something somewhere around them, maybe signaling the end of lunch, but they didn't care. Let the teacher get them in trouble (he wouldn't, but still) for hearing out their friend.

"So," Kensuke began slowly. "What did you say? I don't think they drafted you or anything," he added when Hikari gave him a sideways look.

"They may as well have. They offered to have Sakura moved to one of their hospitals for treatment. They also said they'd take care of my dad." He didn't elaborate on what that meant. "And what am I supposed to say, 'No, sorry, I don't feel like helping save the world today'? I can't do that. At least this way, Sakura will be ok." Without anything further, he stood and made for the door.

"Yeah, but Toji—are _you_ going to be ok?"

He didn't stop or answer. Class started in a few minutes.

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>For all she cried that week, Asuka thought she must have been making up for all those dry years after her mother's suicide. Not that here memory was working at peak capacity, but she was sure she had been crying constantly for at least a day. She shook and sobbed and crumpled over. She hadn't eaten since opening the letter—it remained crumpled in her hand, damp with sweat and tears.<p>

After Kaji had come to give her the letter, nobody else had come to see her. Nobody spoke to her when they brought her food or a new robe. Thankfully the handcuffs had been off since the incident with Misato, so maybe they weren't going to charge her with treason after all. A pity She wouldn't have fought the charges. Or maybe she would have: doing so would have delayed the court martial for a day or two. Anything would be better than remaining in the dark cell alone with her demons.

Kyoko still appeared to her, sometimes as a faceless woman reaching out with open arms for her daughter, but mostly as a limp form dangling from the light fixture, swinging gently from side to side, chair kicked away. One time, a doll swung beside her. Her mother was less frequent now. Wondergirl showed up every now and then, silently judging her with those unblinking red eyes. Occasionally, she chuckled at the feeble form of Pilot Soryu. Misato and Kaji tried to talk to her once in a while, which was why she hadn't responded when he brought the letter at first: feeling the paper in her hands had temporarily anchored her to reality.

Now _he_ was beside her constantly.

He comforted her, held her when debilitating sobs wracked her body, banished many of the other specters that haunted her. He stroked her hair an assured her that everything was going to be okay. She just had to come back to herself, he said. She was lost, disconnected and had to find her own way back. He would be there the whole time to make sure she got through it.

Is that how far she had sunk? That even Stupid Shinji pitied her?

But he presence helped, even though she knew he couldn't be there with her; he was still in contamination lockdown—at least that's what Kaji had told her two or three days ago.

She stank. She desperately wanted a shower.

The entire cell reeked of body odor, stale food, and human waste. Once the toilet backed up and her vomit spilled onto the floor. A cleaning crew scrubbed the place down after that, but the stench lingered in her nostrils.

Asuka had never believed it when people said there were more than one kind of tears; now she did. What kind of tears were these now? Sadness? No. Despiar? Those had run dry long ago. Why was she crying now?

"Why won't anyone see me?" she bemoaned aloud.

"I see you," Shinji reminded her. "I've been here the whole time. Don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember." She allowed herself to snuggle closer. "No one else cares about me; they've left me here to die alone. But you came, Shinji. You're here for me. No one else, only you."

"I'll always be here, Asuka."

"Good." She clutched tighter at the letter from Shinji, pulling it to her breast.

"But we can't stay here."

"I know, but where should we go?"

"I don't know. Somewhere. Far away. Out of this miserable cell."

Asuka tugged at the bed sheet, knotted up from days of tossing in her sleep, and began to run it through her hands. "But we can't get out, can we?"

"There's always a way out, if you look hard enough." Shinji changed. He stopped being Shinji. But he was still Shinji. Only different. He beckoned her forward, a siren song of warmth and comfort. Asuka didn't know she had made the noose until it slipped around her neck. Up the chair, around the light fixture—

Shouts. Men barging in. Shouts. Soldiers. NERV. Strong hands had her. Needles in her neck. Arms. Muffled voices. Dr. Akagi. The Commander. Misato. Asuka fell away, floated along somewhere soft.

"Shinji…" She reached up towards the sun where he awaited.

"I'll be waiting for you," he promised. "Come back to me."

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>Kozou Fuyutsuki and Ryoji Kaji stared each other down over a pair of half-eaten meals. Passerbys in the Nerv cafeteria avoided looking directly at the two of them and sat as far as possible away. A ring of empty tables isolated them from the rest of the staff.<p>

"We are absolutely not giving you custody," Fuyutsuki declared.

Kaji's smile faltered ever so slightly. "Kozou, come now. Let's be reasonable—the girl is broken completely. She needs to be in an environment more suitable to recovery than a dungeon."

"And I suppose your place is a nurturing environment?"

"She knows me, Fuyutsuki. She stayed with me for almost a decade. Asuka trusts me."

"She wants to sleep with you, more like."

"I can handle her," he countered levelly. "I'll take care of her."

Fuyutsuki chuckled and shook his head. "You must think I'm that dense; Nerv isn't about to hand over a crucial asset to a known double-agent. We know, Kaji. We know everything you've been up to: the snooping, the contacts, the coded messages and late night meetings. You've been allowed this much as a show of good faith to the UN, but of you keep pushing, you might not make it back."

Kaji considered this as he took a bite. "Was that—where you just giving me advice to stay alive? Careful, Fuyutsuki, your mask is slipping."

"What are you talking about?" he demanded indignantly.

"I know, too, Fuyutsuki. About you. About her. About you _and_ her."

"Nothing happened between us," he hissed.

"No, but you wanted it. Admit it; you're in this operation entirely for her, not him." When Fuyutsuki didn't answer, he said, "Work with me. I'm on your side. Everyone's future is at stake here, including yours and mine. Let me take care of Asuka."

Fuyutsuki pondered his food for a long time. "Let me see what I can do."

"Thank you." Kaji sighed, relieved.

"But if I do this for you, you have to be careful, Kaji. There's only so much of your ass I can cover before Ikari starts to suspect—and he's more paranoid than normal now that everything's gone to hell." He looked away, maybe over his shoulder. "I'll do what I can, but you need to stop involving others in this."

"I wasn't going to leave Katsuragi in the dark."

"You are far too sentimental for what you do."

"Part of my charm." Fuyutsuki didn't return the smirk. He merely finished his food, stood, and walked away.

Asuka was as good as free now, which would significantly impact Ikari's plans, but how much, he couldn't say at this point. The Fourth Child had been recruited the other day—and without a corresponding Eva, which indicated how desperate Nerv was getting. He would have liked to have gotten Shinji out of the way before Asuka, but no good plan survives reality.

The thought of his tangled life made him laugh. Special investigator for the UN, informant for both Seele _and_ Nerv, and now an insurgent passively working to disrupt operations for Nerv (and consequently Seele) without notifying or obtaining permission from the UN. He was effectively a rouge agent, maintaining his contacts for mere showmanship.

He wondered which group would be the one to put a bullet in his head.

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>Nobody was waiting for him when he came back to the apartment for the first time in over a week. Pen Pen waddled right up to greet him, but no human did. Not even Ryuk skulked about, which just depressed him even further. The place was empty. Desolate. Only a few of the microwave ramen cups remained and all but one can of the beer was gone. If Pen pen wasn't intelligent enough to take of himself, there was no doubt in Shinji's mind the penguin would have starved.<p>

If only Asuka at least had been there to call him stupid, it might have been an ok homecoming. But as it was, it was pretty shitty.

No one had been able to tell him anything regarding her. A few scientists had thought she was still being kept for mental contamination, but others said they were holding her for insubordination. She had attacked Rei, more said, during the Angel fight, after he went under. But her holding unit was empty, he discovered. No one was being detained anywhere. Asuka seemed to have vanished until Dr. Akagi told him Asuka had been discharged and was recuperating at Kaji's residence, which apparently nobody knew the address to.

He fixed himself a cup of disguising noodles, took the last can of beer and retreated into his room. The food made him sick and the alcohol wasn't much better, but the more he drank the less of the food he tasted. Even so, by the time he curled up in bed, half of the noddle still remained and two thirds of the beer. He drank another third when the sobs and moans of Kaji and Misato filled the apartment. They probably didn't even know he was here. That thought made him finish the booze before Kaji left. He didn't even get more than a light buzz off of it, since it had taken him so long to drink it, and there wasn't any more.

Shinji wondered if he should have stayed and talked to Toji. Someone had said he had been chosen as the Fourth Child to fill in for Asuka while she recovered. He should have seen Rei, too. She should have seen Kensuke and Hikari. She should have seen Maya, Hyuga, or Aoba—Fuyutsuki, or even his father. Someone. Anyone. He needed another human near him to stop the crushing loneliness that squeezed his chest and made breathing difficult.

And suddenly he was outside, walking fast to somewhere. He didn't think or question it; his feet knew where to go and he let them lead him right to Rei's apartment. At two in the morning, he stood outside Rei's apartment and waited. What the hell was he doing? You don't just show up at someone's place this late/early; that was crazy! Where else was he supposed to go? Misato's was no longer an option. He didn't know where Kaji lived—come to think of it, he didn't know where anybody lived, other than Rei.

In all his time in Tokyo-3, Shinji had never once visited a friend's house.

That realization winded him and he sank to the ground, pulled his knees to his chest, and leaned against the railing. He would sleep here tonight.

His dreams were choppy and strange. Bits of Angel battles ran together in a surreal montage. When the Twelfth Angel appeared, though, it mutated into the visage of Gendo Ikari and tried to eat him. A whole city of Eva-01's rose around him, shielding him from his father, but they, too, threatened to swallow him up. Just when he thought he had drowned, a pair of arms enfolded him, warm and protective. But just like the others, the arms threatened to strangle him and he gasped for air.

When he awoke, Rei was crouched down, staring at him. She looked like she wanted to ask him a million questions, terribly awkward questions that a normal-functioning human wouldn't ask (but who was he to judge what was normal-functioning?) but instead opted for a genuinely human, "Would you like to come in?"

He could only nod.

It could only have been four or five in the morning. Shinji didn't even know what day of the week it was; he didn't care.

"There is only the bed to sleep," Rei offered as neutrally as possible. "You may use it, if you wish—I don't mind the floor. Really."

Despite how tired he was, Shinji could only shake his head. "No, thank you, Rei, but I can't do that. I…I shouldn't even be here. If anyone finds out I've been here—"

"What?"

"I…I don't know," he admitted. To avoid eye contact, he glanced around the darkened apartment. It was exactly the same as the last time, only it was cleaner, and he hadn't yet fallen on Rei while she was naked. The sparseness of the dwelling unsettled him, but it wasn't any different from his own room, really. "I should go." He made for the door.

"No." Rei's hands seized his own. "Stay. I feel…better…around you. Warm."

That didn't exactly make him want to stay; if fact, it magnified the awkwardness by at least ten times and only made him want to get the hell out of there even faster.

"I-I have to go, Rei. I can't stay."

But he made no effort to leave and allowed her to gently reel him in. The rest was a weary blur, and the next thing he remembered was waking up in bed that was not his own. His head rested gently against another's. Is must not have been a school day because neither of them made any effort to move. They didn't speak; they just lay there together.

* * *

><p>IDS07<p>

* * *

><p>The brightness of the monitors hurt Second Lieutenant Maya Ibuki's eyes. The strain came more from the contrast between them and the darkness of the room around her. Her stomach growled. The microwave beeped. If she didn't do something with her hair now, it was going to give her hell in the morning.<p>

Grainy black and white security footage without sound dominated all three screens, each divided into quarters. There was no other way to process a day's worth of film, and she was already two and half behind. No sleep tonight.

She paused the tapes and rose stiffly to get some more coffee, unwittingly allowing her towel to fall away. How long ago had she showered? She couldn't remember. The coffee had become tepid and the microwave noodles soggy; she took them both anyway and resumed her vigil.

Recordings resumed, she used one hand to take notes and the other to pour disgusting food and drink into her mouth. When the notes reached the end of the page, she swore, realizing that she needed a new notebook. A stack of papers went flying to reveal her last two notebooks: one green and spiral-bound, something she would have used in high school—and the other was simple a hard-bound, like a composition book, only as black as night. She took the green one and resumed writing:

**Gendo Ikari Log**

**Week 3, Day 4**

* * *

><p><strong>Butterflies<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Closing Note<em>**

**_Thanks for sticking with me so far. Honestly, would have let this die if it wasn't for all the encouraging words from you. We're still not at the best part yet, so hang on to your pants!_**

**_Much love and thanks._**


End file.
